


If You Love Me Now

by Dramatiics



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Cheating Dean Winchester, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parent Dean Winchester, Smart Dean Winchester, Snarky Castiel, Switch Castiel, Switch Dean, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, but it was in the past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-04-30 19:58:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14504385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dramatiics/pseuds/Dramatiics
Summary: Cas and Dean, the one night stand that turned into love. Love that turned into heartbreak.Fast forward a few years, 10 years to be exact, and Cas is returning to California newly single and starting a new job. He runs into Dean, Lisa, and their son Ben.Will their love rekindle?Please make sure to look at the tags. Although Lisa is a part of the story, she isn’t a big part. So there probably maybe won't be graphic het-sex but at the very least definitely hinted towards.*Spoiler-ish note...please see the end notes.





	1. Say Something, I'm Giving up on You

He’s running late to class again, of course he is. This isn’t the first time it’s happened and it definitely will not be the last. But who could blame him with such a beautiful green-eyed distraction in his bed, _their_ bed.

He’s been with Dean going on three years now and he couldn’t be happier. Dean just makes all those silly little love songs actually make sense. Cas understands what Elvis meant in his song, ‘Can’t help falling in love with you’, when he sings “take my hand, take my whole life too”. It’s exactly what Dean did. They met on a random cold January night at one of the local bars near campus.

Cas still remembers what Dean was wearing that night, faded washed out jeans, white henley and light flush that Cas wanted to deepen. He was gorgeous, with beautiful green eyes, full lips, and a dazzling smile. And his voice was luxurious and warm.

“Hi! I’m Dean and it’s my birthday! Care to buy the birthday boy a drink?” Dean was adorable when he was trying to drunkenly flirt. Still is.

“Is that all the birthday boy wants?” Cas whispered back.

“No, but we can start with that.”

After a few more drinks, strategically placed touches and low suggestive whispers, Cas was being pulled by the hand and into a waiting cab by Dean. What Cas originally thought was going to be a one night stand, extended into the best three years of his life...

+++

It wasn’t until April 25th, three months after Dean and Cas first met, that they had their first official-and in Cas’ opinion- perfect date.

He and Dean had been seeing a lot of each other the past few months but nothing too serious. Just some quick hook ups here and there, maybe meeting up to eat, studying together...okay so they were kind of dating but not _officially_.

So when Dean called Cas up one evening not asking him to come over but to ask him on an ‘official date’, Cas instantly said yes. After all, he’d been waiting for this to happen, he was just too nervous to make the first move.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey Cas. I was uh, I was wondering if-if you wanted to-” It was weird hearing Dean sound so nervous.

“You’ve called and asked me to come over plenty of times, Dean. What’s got you so nervous this time? Wanna explore some kinky shit, because you know I’m always up for helping you explore that side of yourself.” And it was true, since meeting Dean, Cas has helped him expand his interest in bed.

“That’s not why I called you asshole. I called to see if you wanted to go out to dinner this Friday?”

“Again, I don’t know why you’re so nervous, we go out to eat all the time.”

“I’m trying to ask you on a date, jackass.”

“Oh.” _Finally_ , Cas thought.

“Yeah.”

“Oh well, yeah. Yes, I’d love to.” Great now he was nervous.

“Now who’s the nervous one?”

“Haha Dean.”

Dean chuckled, “Okay cool. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“Okay. I’ll see you then.”

“See you.”

“Oh! Wait, Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m still down to help you explore tonight…if you wanted.”

“Yeah, yeah you know I want. Come on over, and bring pizza!”

“On my way.”

+++

Dean got to pick the Halloween costume this year, well he’s picked them every year since they’ve been together. But this year in particular Cas actually had a good idea for a costume, despite what Dean and his non-existing veto power thinks. Cas wanted to go as Bert and Ernie but as usual, they were going as some superhero, granted this year’s superhero choice was the best of them all but that’s not the point. The point is Cas wanted to be comfy, in a colorful sweaters and slacks but instead Cas was wearing some cheap itchy wig, some tight all black ensemble with some type of utility belt/vest combo thing and an even itchier, albeit cool as fuck, looking metal arm. From what Dean told him he’s dressed up as some super-person named Bucky. Apparently he’s Captain America’s best friend and according to Dean, “the love of his life”. Whatever, as long as Cas gets to see Dean in that skin tight Captain America costume that hugs all of Cas’ favorite parts of Dean just right, he’ll wear this Bucky costume everyday of the year.

“You two look so good together,” Some random party goer slurred. “Lemme know if this Little Red Riding Hood can help you find your way home.”

“Thanks for the offer, but Bucky over here doesn't play well with others.” Dean says to the girl.

“And yet, the last time we needed ‘help finding our way home’ I wasn’t the one who wouldn’t share their toys.” Cas says back to Dean.

+++  

They were laying in Cas’ bed trading kisses and touches, singing along to songs that filtered through Cas laptop speakers. It was 2:23 in the morning, officially the start of a new year and the first time Dean told Cas he loved him.

Cas had expressed his love for Dean some months ago, when Dean wasn’t ready to verbally express the same in return. But he showed it in his actions, how he cared for Cas. Cas never rushed Dean to say it back, always wanting the first time he spoke those words aloud to be on his terms, from his heart. Their path here hadn’t been an easy one. Dean had a lot of reasons why he did take expressing those words lightly. Although Cas didn’t feel it was necessary, they talked about it. Dean wanted to make sure he knew his reasons why. Why he took those words seriously. That the only people he’s ever said I love you to were his family, mostly Sam. They were the last words he said to his mom. He told Cas he had never been in love before but he had a feeling Cas was going to be his first, and hopefully, his last.   

Cas was understanding, of course he was. Dean could take all the time he needed. Cas just needed him to know, he didn’t say it in hopes of having the sentiment returned.

They were listening and singing along to one of Cas’ spotify playlist. A bunch of random songs mixed together. Pop, rock, r&b, and even a little bit of rap sprinkled in, the playlist was very Cas.

They were currently singing along to some pop song about love by the Plain White T’s when Dean turned to Cas and sang the words to him.

“You make it easy,

It's easy as one, two, one, two, three, four.

There's only one thing, two do, three words four you.

I love you.”

Although the ‘I love you’ was part of the song, when Dean looked into his eyes and sang along, Cas knew those words were coming from his heart.

Cas was speechless while he took in this moment, did Dean say what he think he said. He reached out and held his face, “do you?”

Dean looked away but even in the darkness of the room, Cas was able to make out the movement of Dean ever so slightly nodding his head. “Yeah, I do.”

“I love you too, Dean”  

“I’m scared, Cas.”

“So am I. But I promise if you take the jump Dean, I promise I’ll be here to catch you.”

“I’m already falling.”

+++

It was their first night in their new place. They lived in the nicer part of Palo Alto, Cas’ parents had made a deal with Cas a long time ago, that if he kept his GPA above a 3.5, they would pay the majority, if not all, of his rent. And with the swanky location they had chosen, that little deal payed off. And with Dean offering to care of the utilities, they had found their dream apartment.

It was a spacious two-bedroom apartment, with dark hardwood floors, and stainless steel appliances.

It had taken them three and a half days to get everything moved in and put away. They didn’t have too many things between them but with school and work, they needed the extra time. They got everything moved mostly between the two of them. Benny and Charlie coming over mostly to add colorful commentary and move a few boxes between them.

They celebrated with pizza, beer, and video games.

When Benny and Charlie left for the night, Cas and Dean cuddled up together on their couch. Dean leaning his back against Cas’ chest, hands intertwined.

“I am going to fuck you on every surface I can.” Dean said as if he had been talking about the weather.

“Only if I can return the favor.”

“Deal.” Dean agreed.

“Mmm….How about we get started now? Meet me outside on the balcony.”

“What? Cas, we have neighbors!”

“Then you’ll just have to be quiet, now won’t you?” When Dean blinked back at him in disbelief Cas added, “Or I could always grab one of my scarves?”

And with that, Dean made his way off the couch and towards their balcony, while Cas went to their room to grab supplies. Before walking out he reached back into the drawer and pulled out a scarf, just in case.

+++

“Argh! My eyes! I need bleach! Where’s the bleach?” Sam had whined.

“Maybe you’ll knock next time, bitch.”

“Fuck you, jerk! You gave me a key! And you were on the couch! I sit there asshole!”

“Sammy that couch has been a part of our sex lives long before you asked to stay here for the summer.” Dean said with a satisfied smirk.

“Ew, Dean! What else have you guys defiled?”

“I wouldn’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to Sam,” Cas answered. “Just know all hard surfaces have been thoroughly cleaned and sanitized.”

“Yeah, we’re classy assholes.” Dean added.

“Ugh, whatever. I’m going to my room.”

“Maybe we should stop bringing our activities into common areas,” Cas mentioned, “At least until he goes back to the dorms.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

+++

It’s Dean’s graduation day and Cas couldn’t be more proud of him. Dean has worked so hard to complete this part of his education and now not only is he celebrating the completion of his Associates degree, but he recently got accepted as a transfer student into Stanford University!

This coming Fall quarter Dean, Sam, and himself will all be attending the same school. Along with Benny, who’s graduating today as well, and Charlie, who had already been attending the university.

Dean met Benny in one of his math classes and he met Charlie through Sam.

All of Dean’s family showed up to celebrate Dean’s graduation, well everyone except John. He said completing junior college ‘wasn’t that big of an accomplishment and would think about coming up if Dean graduated from a _real_ university.’

Cas detest Dean’s father, John Winchester. He wishes he could protect Dean from his father, but sadly, Dean will forgive and forget anything and everything John’s ever done to him. Dean’s almost walked away from his degree numerous times because of the harsh words and critiques his father has said to him. Even getting Dean here today was difficult, and almost didn’t happen because of John’s comments... But finally with some convincing and kind words from his family, plus the combined effects of both Sam and his puppy-eyes, they were able to get him here, just as the grads were about to march in.

The ceremony was a bit lengthy, but worth the numb limbs once they heard Dean’s name being called as he walked across the stage. Their entire section rose up in applause, screams, and prohibited air horns. Dean looked so stunning and graceful, his smile took up his entire face, Cas had never seen him so happy, so proud of himself.

He did it.

They all met back at Dean and Cas’ places to celebrate. Ellen made her famous burgers for everyone and beers were being passed around to all.

“I’m so proud of you baby.” Cas whispered to Dean as he pulled him in for another hug.

“Thank you,” Dean leans out in order to look into Cas’ blue eyes, “for never giving up on me. I love you.” He leaned back in and planted a sweet kiss on Cas’ lips.

“I love you too Dean,”

“If you idjits are done, I’d like to talk to Dean here, for a minute.”

“Of course Bobby. Cas left the two alone as he went to go mingle with the other guests.

It wasn’t until sometime later that Cas noticed Dean outside on the patio, away from all the commotion. He made his way outside to the other man, noticing his hand were tightly clutching onto something.

“Hey baby. Everything okay?”

Dean takes a moment before he answers, still looking out into the distance, his voice a little wet with emotion, “He told me he was proud of me, and gave me this.”

When he turns to face Cas and show him the gift, Cas notices Dean’s eyes are glassy from unshed tears. Cas looks down to see that Dean’s holding a watch. A beautiful well-loved watch with a worn brown leather band, ivory face and recently polished gold accents. Upon closer inspection, he notices the watch is in fact a vintage Rolex. “It’s beautiful Dean.”

“Yeah, he said his grandfather gave it to him when he came home from the service. When I told him I couldn't accept it, he told me to stop being a dumbass and walked away. Why would he give me something so,” After taking a moment to compose himself he finishes, words barely above a whisper, “important. I’m not worth it.”

They’ve been working on this, Cas trying to show Dean that he’s worth everything and more and trying to get him to actually believe that.

_Easier said than done._

“You are Dean. Good things do happen.” He reaches forward and pulls Dean into a tight embrace, “You graduating, you helping to put Sam through college, you moving out here for him, everything you do is filled with love. You work so hard, and we’re all so proud of you. Bobby’s proud of you, that’s why he gave you the watch. Bobby loves you, show him you do too.”

Cas leans out and begins rolling up Dean’s left sleeve, with his permission he turns it over to secure the watch onto his wrist.

+++

It was early November and everyone was going finishing up midterms and getting ready for final exams. Dean had planned a small gathering for Cas’ 26th birthday, November eighth, he got Gabriel to take a break from his busy schedule and come up to surprise Cas.

“Hey Baby bro!” Gabe yelled shouted around the sucker in his mouth.

“Gabe! What-what are you doing here?”

“Dean-o here said it’d it be awesome if I came up and said hello for your birthday. So, ‘Hello.’” Gabe said the last part in the same voice he uses when he’s mocking Cas.

“Thanks short stack.” He leans in for a hug. “And thank you Dean.” Cas leans over to plant a kiss on Dean’s lips.”

“You’re welcome, baby.”

Gabe makes a sound of disgust, “If I have to spend the next five days here watching you two mack and grope on each other, I’m gonna need some entertainment of my own.” He rubs his hands together and ask Dean, “Hey Dean-o, where’s that beautiful baby brother of yours? You’re boinking mine, figured I’d return the favor.”

“You stay away from my brother! Wait, five days? You said you were only staying for three!”

And with that, Dean was off following Gabe around, in order to defend his brother’s, not-so-innocent, honor.  

The gathering was small and intimate and full of everyone Cas loved, especially Dean.

He couldn’t be happier.

+++

It was their first Christmas together in their new home. Sam of course was here during break and regrettably for Dean, so was Gabe. Cas had picked his brother up from the airport a week before Christmas.

“How’s it going Cas-sondra?” Gabe greeted as he hopped inside Cas’ car.

“What in the hell took you so long you gremlin? I almost got a ticket waiting for you.”

I had to stop buy the gift shop for your Christmas gift little bro.”

Cas quickly glared at his brother before focusing back on the road. “Are you hungry? Thought we could grab some food before heading home.”

“Yeah I could eat. Could we stop by the mall? I need to grab Sammy a gift.”

“He gets a gift from the mall and all I get is some crap from the airport?”

“Hey you start looking like Sam you can get whatever you want.”

“You know Sam’s dating someone right? A nice young _lady_ named Jessica.”

“I actually do know that, who do you think he comes to for advice?”

“Wait, what? I thought you actually-”

“Liked the kid? Yeah I do. But come on bro, nothing would ever come of it.”

“But you guys-”

“We just enjoy fucking around with Dean.”

And boy did they ever. Cas has had to stop Dean on numerous occasion from ‘punching his face in.’ Cas has always known his brother was a bit of a trickster so Gabe revealing that him and Sam have been fucking around with Dean this whole time makes a lot of sense.

“You guys are weird.” Cas says with a shake of his head.

“A little. But speaking of fucking with Dean, when you gonna lock that down little bro?”

Cas almost runs the red light he’s so caught off guard, “Excuse me? What? We’re not there yet.”

“Really? Because you guys are practically married now. So is that ‘we’re not’ or _you’re_ not?”

It wasn’t until Cas had woken up to the sight of beautiful green eyes staring back at him on Christmas morning, that he realized his brother was right, he was the one that wasn’t ready but, here, in this moment, he realized he was.   

+++

The days following Christmas were some of the best Cas has ever had. New Year’s was amazing, they attended a party Benny was throwing and then came home to properly ring in the New Year. They renewed their lease and were even thinking about adopting a dog together. Life was perfect. He was so in love and he knew that this year, was the year he would be asking Dean to be his forever.

Of course they had their ups and downs, like most couples but they never stayed upset with each other for very long. One of their first major fights had only lasted a few days and that was mostly because of Dean’s dad, John, coming to town for a surprise visit.

“What do you want me to do Cas? I didn’t know he was going to be out here, let alone stay with us!”

“I know Dean, and I’m not blaming you for that. I just hate who you turn into when he’s around. I hate who _I_ turn into when he’s around. I’m not just your roommate Dean, I’m your boyfriend.”

“I know baby, but you know how my dad is-”

“A homophobic asshole?”

“I was gonna say old school, but that works too.”

Cas turns around in Dean’s arms, “I know Dean. I just miss sleeping next to you and being able to kiss you whenever I want.”

Dean leans in and plants a quick kiss on Cas’ lips, “I know baby, and I’m sorry. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

+++

Things didn’t instantly get better after John left but they did improve. It’s like their perfect bubble holding their perfect little life was shattered. John was the bull and they were the China shop. It’s like they were stuck in a rough patch and Cas didn’t know what to do to help pull them out.

After John left they had a deeper discussion on when Dean would tell John about them. He couldn’t propose to Dean while still being his dirty little secret. Cas hadn’t been in the closet for a very long time, and even though Dean was worth everything to him, he doesn’t know if was worth the giving himself up for. He was starting to have doubts about the strength of their relationship and it sucked.

If only Cas could get Dean away from John, if he could show him that having the love of people who actually accepted you would be enough.

+++

Someone once said “The lonely moments just get lonelier the longer you’re in love…” Dean has been incredibly distant lately. Staying over at Sam’s more than their place. Usually it wouldn’t be a big deal but things still haven’t gotten back to normal, worse in fact. John had called Dean earlier last week and Dean ended up shouting at him through the phone.

And when Dean was home, they were like two passing ships in the night. Cas was becoming increasingly busy, he was graduating soon, finishing up some of his last classes, and applying to internships. Dean was getting into his core classes and really needed to focus on his studies, plus he was working as many hours as he could, in order to pay for the cost of tuition and bills..

Last night was the first night in three days that Dean slept at home, and actually in their bed. Any other time, choosing to sleep in the spare bedroom.

Cas has noticed that when Dean’s away, he wakes up earlier than usual. So when he woke up this morning to the sight of green eyes, he couldn’t help himself when he instantly reached out for the other man and pulled him close.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Cas.” Dean finally returns, Cas’ embrace.

Cas pulls back and looks into the other man’s eyes, noticing how red and puffy Dean’s were. They look as if he hadn’t gotten sleep or like he was trying to keep himself from crying.

Cas has to fix this, has to fix them.

He peppers kisses all over Dean’s face, before pulling back to speak, “I’m so glad you’re home.”

“Cas I-” Cas interrupts him with a kiss.

“Tell me later, over dinner?”

Dean nods, and Cas’ releases a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. Dean pulls him close and into a kiss instantly deepening it. Their hands roam all over the other’s body, taking the time to get reacquainted. It’s been weeks since they’ve touched each other like this, and neither of them can get enough. Soon enough their grinding against each other, both already so close to finishing.

“I’ve missed you so much Cas,” Dean whispers, “I’m so sorry. So sorry, baby. Please forgive me. Please. I didn’t mean to.” He sounded so broken, so defeated.

“It’s okay Dean, we’ll figure it out. I promise.”

“I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too, Dean”

They both finish within minutes of each other and fell asleep together soon after.

-

Cas is on his way back home after class when he receives a call from a New York area code.

“Hello?” Cas has stopped walking, thankfully finding a quiet area to take his call.

“Hello this is Wendy with HarperCollins Publisher. May I please speak to Castiel Novak?”

“Yes, this is him.” Cas was vibrating with excitement and nerves, he’s been waiting for this call for a long time. It was his dream internship with his dream publishing house. With Dean’s encouragement, he nervously applied and recently took part in a Skype interview.  

“Hello, Castiel. We were blown away by your interview and your application. On behalf of HarperCollins, I would like to formally extend you an offer into our internship program!”

Cas, of course, accepted and finished up his conversation with Wendy after going over important upcoming dates and paperwork, promising to contact her if he had any questions.

He couldn’t wait to share this news with Dean! When he was first applying, Dean had brought up the idea of moving out there with him, at least for the summer, and possibly transferring to school out there to continue his education. Cas wanted Dean to do what was best for him, but he won’t lie and say that he wasn’t in love with the idea of Dean following him out there. He rushes home, more determined than ever to fix things between them.

Cas is bursting with excitement when he walks into his and Dean’s apartment.

“Dean? Are you home? I have something to tell you.”

Cas walks around their apartment, checking every room after trying Dean a few times on his cell. There was no sign of Dean anywhere.

A few hours pass and Cas begins preparing dinner for the two of them. He much rather share this news with Dean over a home cooked meal and in the comfort of their own home. Plus, they also need to talk about everything that's been going on between them.

Cas waits around for Dean to walk through the door. The longer he waits the more emotional he becomes. He’s called Gabriel to share his news and opened up his favorite bottle of wine. He updates his brother on his life and things to come. They make a plan for him to come down to visit Gabe in the next few weeks.

Hours pass and his emotions shift from hurt, disappointment, and anger, only to cycle through again a few times.

He doesn’t want this to be their lives, _his_ life. He wants to be able to count on Dean to show up, to be there for him and their relationship. He wants to know if Dean will ever feel secure enough to come out of the closet, to fully accept who he is and stop trying to appease his asshole of a father.

Cas ends up falling asleep sometime around two in the morning, with a slight buzz, dinner gone untouched, and still no sign of Dean. He had sent Dean a few messages about dinner but got nothing in response. He’s tried reaching out to Sam and his friends but they didn’t know where he was either.

“You know he does this sometimes, get stuck in his own head. Goes off the grid.” Sam says over the phone.

“Yeah, I know.” Cas says defeated. “Please let me know if you hear anything.”

“Of course.”

It’s three-thirty in the morning when Dean finally comes home, waking Cas from a dreamless sleep. Cas hears him moving around in the and gets up to meet him there.

He’s angry, he’s hurt, and he wants answers.

“Where were you?” He ask sharply.

Dean turns to answer, giving Cas a chance to take in his appearance. His clothes are disheveled, his hairs a mess, his eyes are bloodshot, and he reeks of alcohol.

“Out.”

“Dean what the hell?! I’ve been waiting for you all night.”

“Why?”

_Why? Really?_ “Because we had plans to talk remember? And I had news to share with you.”

“Well go ahead and share it. I’m right here” Dean slurs.

He doesn’t know why he does it, maybe he hopes the excitement of Cas getting his internship and the prospect of them moving will shock Dean out of his drunken stupor and they can finally start to fix things. Maybe it’s the lingering buzz he still has. Or maybe it’s because no matter what, Dean is the first person Cas wants to share everything with.

“I got offered the internship, Dean! We’re moving to New York!”

Dean’s silent for what feels like forever. Cas searching his face for any indication of how he’s feeling. Waiting for Dean to say something, anything. But the longer he waits, them more he starts to give up.

Finally he speaks, “That’s great Cas. Glad you got it.”

“Didn’t you hear me Dean? We get to move to New York, like you said you wanted.”

“I’m not moving to New York Cas.”

In that one little sentence, Cas’ whole word begins to shatter.

“What do you mean? I thought that’s what you wanted?”

“It’s what _you_ wanted.”

“Dean, this was your idea. I was okay with the long distance thing.”

“Heh, yeah.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Dean looks like he has more to say, more to add to his dismissive _yeah_ but seems to change his mind, “Nothing Cas. Congratulations on getting the internship.” He leans forward and kisses Cas on the forehead. “I’m going to bed.”

Instead of walking towards their shared bedroom, he turns to walk towards their guest room. Leaving Cas standing there, anger slowly draining.

They’re drowning, they’re going down.

Whatever has broken within them can’t be fixed, or at least Dean isn’t willing to. He’s over it, over them.

Cas stays up the rest of the night, thinking, planning, crying.

_Hoping._

***

Dean wakes up, head pounding, throat dry, eyes fighting to stay close. He makes his way to the kitchen after relieving himself in the spare restroom. He drains two full glasses of water, feeling a bit more human afterwards.

He leans against the kitchen counter, eyes closed and breathes in deeply.

_Cas._

He opens his eyes wide and heads towards their bedroom.

He needs to apologize.

As his feet carry him, he notices how quiet their apartment is. _Cas must still be sleep._ He thinks. Cas is usually an early riser but Dean remembers they had been arguing pretty late last night. He remembers ordering an Uber around three in the morning.

He quietly pushes open the door to their room.

No sign of Cas.

He walks through their room towards their private entrance to their patio.

No Cas.

He takes a moment to look around, drawers have been haphazardly pushed in. Cas’ side of the closet is empty, the only thing hanging there are empty hangers.

_He’s gone._

Dean falls back heavily against the wall and slides down, tears mimicking his actions.

He’s gone.

A sob rips through his chest, as he curls in on himself.

He broke the best thing he’s ever had.

He’s gone.

His love. His everything.

_Gone._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Spoiler-ish!!!  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> Spoiler-ish!!! Dean cheated. It was in the past but it happened. This story is about exploring forgiveness and trying to let go of the pain from the past. Is love truly that powerful?


	2. Tomato Rice Soup

_Ten years later…_

 

“Dean, Dean, Dean.”

“Benny, Benny, Benny.”

“Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.” The redhead chimes in. Both Dean and Benny turn to look at her. “What?! My name got lonely.” Dean chuckles while blindly reaching over in her direction to ruffle her hair.

They’ve been coming together on this day like this for the past few years. Every year on July nineteenth, the day of John Winchester’s death, Dean, Charlie, Benny, and sometimes, Sam, will get together and remember the life of John Winchester. It was all very cathartic. Currently it was just the three of them, Sam had some excuse or another, they were sprawled out on the on the carpeted floor of Charlie’s living room, drunkenly talking about the past. Or more specifically, their interactions with John.

This day has always been hard for Dean. Not really celebrating the life of his father, but not really celebrating the fact that he was gone either.

He used to spend it alone, with just his thoughts and a bottle of Jack until he made the mistake of drunkenly calling Sam. Sam of course, was not amused and had promised that he wouldn’t let Dean spend this day alone ever again.  Their dad died of liver complications, and Sam didn’t want his brother to share the same fate. Sam kept his promise for a few years, but Sam could never understand why Dean felt any type of emotion towards their father. It was no secret that John was a mean son of a bitch, worse if he was drunk, but he was still their father and Dean did his best to honor him, even if he had to get blackout drunk to do it.

So he eventually, after spending the day alone for a few years again, he started spending the day with Charlie and Benny, his best friends. They allowed him to grieve in a way that was best for him. They somehow understood what Dean is going through, how he simultaneously hated and loved John Winchester.

That probably had something to do with the fact that they were there for every ‘John Winchester Special’, the few highs and every single low. The frequent verbal beatings, the sometimes physical ones, and the very rare words of praise.  Sometimes they’ve witnessed these events themselves and other times they’re the first people Dean turned to.

They let him work through his emotions without judgment and were there for him when his old man finally kicked the bucket.

-

They continue drinking and talking for the next couple of hours. They’re in the middle of sharing the demands of their jobs when Dean gets a call from his son Ben.

“Dad? Can you come home? I don’t feel so good.”

“What’s wrong bud? Where’s your Mom?”

“She’s right here. She told me to call you and ask you to come home.” Dean can hear Lisa shushing Ben for his little overshare. He hates when he feels like she’s using their son against him. “I think I have a fever, my heads really warm.”

“Okay bud, give the phone to your Mom and I’ll be home soon.” Charlie and Benny groan loudly and Dean hoped they weren’t heard on the other end.

“Hey baby, what’s up?” She says in a falsely innocent voice. Of course nothing is wrong with Ben asking for Dean to come home early, or Lisa for that matter. Dean loves being someone they can both depend on, but he was really looking forward to today. To letting loose and not having to explain why he gives a damn about his dead asshole of a father. As much as Lisa tries, she just doesn’t understand.

“Hey, I thought we agreed I wasn’t going to be home until tomorrow morning?”

Spending the night is part of the tradition; they get shit faced drunk, share some of John’s greatest hits, pass out, and wake up for a greasy breakfast the next morning.

He can practically hear Charlie rolling her eyes at him basically asking for permission.

_Her and Lisa don’t really get along._

“Dean, it’s almost ten o’clock, your son has a fever and I want to go to bed. Are you done playing with your friends because your son needs you. When are you coming home?”

Dean wants to remind her that Ben has two parents. That he isn’t out ‘playing with his friends’ but mourning the death of his father. Dean wants to tell her to give Ben some medicine and they can both go to bed together while Dean continues to hang out with his friends but that feels like neglect. Reminds him of something John would do. Staying out drinking while his family needs him at home. So he swallows down the words and instead says, “Yeah, I’ll be on my way home soon.”  He hangs up the phone after saying his goodbyes.

“Dude, do you have to go? I was just about to kick your ass in Mario Kart.”

“Yeah brotha, I was just about to kick both your asses in Mario Kart.”

“Sorry guys, but I gotta go. Ben’s not feeling well and Lisa wants me home.” He feels like a child.

“She’s such a party pooper!” Charlie pouted.

“I know Red. But I promise to come by this weekend.”

“Yeah, if you’re able to get permission.” She whispered under her breath. Dean lets the comment go but Benny doubles over in laughter.

“Shouldn’t you be getting home too Lafitte?” Dean asks the Cajun, though his accent wasn’t as heavy as it used to be.

“Nope, Andrea lets me stay out after the street lights come on.”

They all have a good laugh at Dean’s expense.

Dean takes his time getting ready, trying to give himself a chance to sober up. He wasn’t planning on leaving Charlie’s so he drank past his usual limit. Before he even gets the chance to decide that’ll probably be a smarter idea to order himself an uber, he receives a text from Lisa letting him know that she’s outside to pick him up.

If he didn’t already feel like a child, he definitely does now.

He lets Charlie and Benny know Lisa is outside and of course being the jackass friends that they are, decide its best that they walk him out to the car.

Dean’s too irritated to care, so he allows it to happen.

As they’re talking about, Charlie reminds him of his promise, “Okay but remember you promised Dean! This weekend! You can even bring Ben and his Mom.” Charlie finishes the last part of her sentence with an eye roll.

“Thanks, I’ll ask _Lisa_ and see if she’s down.” Dean gave up a long time ago trying to get them to get along.

He says his goodbyes and finally gets into the car with Lisa, noticing Ben asleep in the back.

“If I didn’t come get you, you probably would have never left.”

“If you didn’t come get me you probably wouldn't have had to drag our sick son out in the cold.”

Before Lisa has a chance to reply Ben wakes up, “Hey Dad.”

“Hey bud. You feeling better?”

“A little. Mom gave me some medicine.”

“Good. We’ll be home soon and I’ll get you all tucked in.”

“I’m not a little kid.”

“Yeah but you’re _my_ kid, and when my kid is sick, he gets tucked in.”

Dean can tell how sick Ben is by the fact he doesn’t argue further, “Okay Dad.”

The rest of the car ride is quiet. Dean hauls Ben upstairs to his room and tucks him in. Lingering just a bit while he watches his son sleep.

+++

Dean’s making his way to his and Lisa’s shared bedroom when he notices the light still on downstairs. It’s not like Lisa to forget to turn off the lights before heading to bed, so Dean knows she’s most likely waiting downstairs ready to start an argument.

Dean isn’t in the mood for the inevitable fight he knows Lisa wants to have, so instead he prolongs it a little longer and makes a detour into the kitchen.

It’s not that Lisa is controlling, she just hates to be alone and kind of sorta hates Dean’s friends. Or at least just Charlie. No matter how many times Dean reassures her and reminds her that he just isn’t Charlie’s type, Lisa still worries about them spending time together.

The house him and Lisa share is a modest four bedroom home, Lisa inherited from her parents after their passing. When him and Lisa decided to actually give this relationship an honest chance a couple of years ago, give Ben the family he deserves, the family and home Dean always wished he had growing up; he dove head first and moved in with the mother of his child.

He’s never regretted giving his son a father who was there all the time. Two parents that loved him, and lived under the same roof. Two parents who love each other and love their son.

Because he loves Lisa. She gave him his son, his most precious gift. He loves Ben with everything he has.

He’s barely just set his empty cup in the sink when Lisa makes her presence known.

She huffs a sigh and leans against the doorway, “I shouldn’t have had to go get you.”

“That was your choice.” Dean answers with the same irritated tone.

She rolls her eyes and enters enter the kitchen fully, “And if I wouldn’t have made that choice, you’d still be over there with _her_ , while your son was here sick asking for you.”

“Lisa! How many times do I have to tell you that there is nothing going on between me and Charlie? We’re just friends. She’s like a little sister to me. Plus she’s gay! She’s not interested in me, whatsoever.”

“And like you didn’t like dick when we first met.” She spits out, her words full of venom.

She’s referring to Castiel. He hates when she does that. Hates when she brings up the fact that he likes... _liked_ the occasional dick. But he’s with her now. She doesn’t need to worry. Dean may be a lot of things but he’s grown into a better man than he used to be. A _faithful_ man. Dean’s never lied to her about being bi. There was no need. While he was away at college he was out and proud. And when John Winchester passed, he promised himself he would never hide who he was again, not for anyone.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“You were bi once. Maybe she is too.”

Dean rubs a hand down his face, they’ve had this argument before. Lisa isn’t homophobic, she just doesn’t understand. “Being bi isn’t a phase. Just because I’m with you doesn’t mean I stopped being bi. It isn’t something you just switch off or grow out of, or choose to do. It’s who I am. Charlie is not. She is strictly into women.”

“Whatever. You should have come home when you were asked to.”

“I’m not a child Lisa.”

“Yeah, but you have one! Act like it!” and with that she storms out of the kitchen and up to their room. Dean hears their door slam shut and knows that means she wants him to take the couch tonight.

He paces around the kitchen for a little while, straightening up the already tidy kitchen before going to the linen closet and pulling out extra sheets and a blanket.

He’s just about done making up the couch when he sees Ben walking down the stairs.

“Can’t sleep bud?”

“No,” he sounds even worse than before. “I came to get some water. Why are you sleeping on the couch?”

Dean doesn’t like to let Ben know when he and his mom have arguments. It’s not that he’s trying to pretend they have the perfect relationship, but the one time he knew they were fighting he asked if Dean was going to leave him. Dean never wants him to think that again, so he protects him as much as he can.

“Can’t sleep either. Thought I’d catch up on some of my shows or maybe watch a movie.”

“Can I watch too?”

“Of course bud. Go grab your water and I’ll finish setting up.”

Ben does as he’s told while Dean grabs some extra pillows. He turns off the living room light while leaving the light above the stove on. Ben’s still not okay with being in complete darkness, and neither is Dean for that matter.

They lay down and get comfortable. They decide on watching one of the many, _Pirates of the Caribbean_ movies, they’re Ben’s favorite. It doesn’t take long before both father and son fall asleep.

+++

Dean remembers when he was younger, a little older than the age Ben is now, and he had gotten the flu. A fever, runny nose, body aches and chills, sore throat, the whole nine. He remembers how terrible he had felt, like his body was trying to destroy him from the inside out. But what he remembers the most is his mom, Mary, staying home with him. She had called off of work for the entire week and Dean thought it was the best part of being sick.

Every morning she would make Dean breakfast before setting up the living room to watch movies, cartoons, and play the occasional video game. She would wrap Dean up in his favorite blanket and make sure there was an abundance of tissue, cough drops, snacks, and tea. She would read Dean his favorite stories, as well as some of her own. And every day she made his favorite, tomato rice soup.

Dean wishes she was here now to make it for Ben. Hell, he wishes she was just here. She’d love his son so much. She was already a great mom, Dean knows she would have been an even better grandmother.

Dean is pulled from his thoughts when Lisa enters the kitchen. They haven't spoken since last night, and the way she’s avoiding eye contact, let’s Dean know that she’s still upset.

They silently dance around each other until Dean breaks the silence.

“I’m gonna stay home with Ben today.”

She finally makes eye contact, “Because you have a hangover?” She says accusingly.

Dean actually didn’t wake up with a hangover. Didn’t get the chance to drink enough to have one.

“No, because our son is sick.”

“Oh.” at least she has enough sense to look a little ashamed. “You sure? I can call the sitter.”

Dean kind of hates how surprised she sounds. Hates it even more that she isn’t thinking of doing the same.

“Yeah, he’s sick. I don’t mind staying home.”

“Oh, okay. Guess I’ll finish getting ready then.” She turns to go and Dean pulls out the ingredients to make Ben’s favorite oatmeal.

He’s cutting up some fresh fruit when Lisa walks into the kitchen to grab her already filled travel coffee mug, prepared just how she likes it.

“Thank you.” She says.

“You’re welcome.” She’s about to walk out when Dean catches her arm and turns her back towards him. “I’m sorry.” As irritated as he is with her, he doesn’t want this little fight to continue any further. And if Ben catches him sleeping on the couch a second night, he’ll definitely know something’s up.

“I’m sorry too.”

He plants a quick kiss on her lips before stepping away, instantly feeling the tension disappear from the room. “Have a good day...”

She smiles as she repeats the same words.

-

It isn't much longer before Ben is making his way into the kitchen.

“What time is it?” He says hoarsely.

Dean reaches over to feel his forehead, he’s still burning up. “It’s 8:30. How you feeling bud?”

“8:30? Aren’t you supposed to be at work? And the same, my chest hurts.”

“Your favorite dad took the day off.” Dean says as grabs more medicine for his son.

“You’re my only dad, Dad.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m your favorite!”

Ben rolls his eyes, “You’re so weird.”

“Ahh! But you didn’t deny it!”

“Whatever. Can I have my medicine now? And I’m hungry.”

Dean hands his son his medicine while introducing himself to his son, “Hi, Hungry! I’m Dean, Ben’s dad. If you see him, let him know his favorite oatmeal is on the stove. It was made by his favorite dad.” Dean laughs so hard at his own joke that he almost misses his son’s reply.

“I wonder if my cool favorite Uncle Sam would adopt me and become my even cooler more favorite dad.”

“Psh, good luck with that. I basically raised that woolly mammoth. He’s only cool because of me.”

“That’s not what he says.”

“That’s not what he says,” Dean mocks. “Whatever, go eat your oatmeal nerd.”

-

They’re watching the last scene of their second movie, _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ , with various empty snack containers littering the coffee table when Ben innocently asks, “Dad, would you still love me if I loved another boy?”

Dean chokes on the tea he was sipping. He thought he had a couple of years before his son began developing crushes on others. He doesn't remember how old he was when he first talked to his Mom about his first crush but he remembers Sammy was about 13 before he started liking a girl. Dean knows he wasn’t that old when he started noticing girls, but Sammy’s always been a bit of a late bloomer. But then again, Dean didn’t know he was into the same sex until he was about 17. Plus his brother is the only one actually married now, so what does Dean know.

All he knows for sure is that this is an important question and he doesn’t want his son to think anything is wrong with loving someone of the same sex. Definitely doesn’t want him to ever feel like Dean’s love would ever stop. He knows what that’s like and it’s the one thing he promised himself he’d do as a father, shower his kid with unconditional love.

“I’d never stop loving you, Ben. For anything.” He looks Ben directly in his eye so he understands how serious he is. “I don’t care who you love, as long as they treat you right and make you happy. Boy or girl of any skin color, hell you could fall in love with an alien for all I care, they’ll all meet the same fate if they try and break your heart.” Dean says just a serious. “But aren’t you a little too young for all this love business? You’re like barely out of diapers.” Dean tries and adds some humor to break up the seriousness of the conversation. No matter how old he gets, he’ll always be allergic to discussing feelings.

“You’re such a dork, Dad.” Ben says lovingly. “And I don’t like anyone. One of the kids at school, Daniel, has two dads and some of the other kids were making fun of him. I told them to stop because it doesn’t matter.”

Dean is so proud of the man his son is turning into. So young and already standing up for what’s right.  

“I’m proud of you kid. You did a good thing.” he ruffled his son hair.

“Thanks Dad.” His smile big and bright.

“How about I make you some tomato rice soup for lunch? Then if you’re feeling up to it I’ll see if you’re Aunt Charlie will let us come over and use her gaming systems.” Lisa usually stays pretty late at the office on Thursdays so Dean should be in the clear. Plus he feels bad for leaving so abruptly the night before.

“You think she’ll let me play the new _Super Smash Bros_?” He asks excitedly.

Dean stopped asking her how she always gets games months before their release date is even announced, after she looked a little too serious after telling him she’d have to kill him if she told him. Now he just goes over to enjoy the fruits of her probably, most likely, evil activities.

“I’m sure if you ask the Queen nicely, she’ll let you.”

“Awesome!”

“And if Mom happens to ask where we went?”

“Took baby out for a drive!”

“That’s my man!” He fist bumps his son.

He usually doesn’t allow his son to lie to his Mom, let alone be the one to encourage it, but when it comes to Charlie, the rules get a little hazy. One night Ben had overheard him and Lisa arguing about how she doesn’t really like his friends, especially Charlie. Ben had come to Dean crying later that night confessing what he had overheard and asking if he was ever going to be able to see his Aunt Charlie again. Dean promised Ben that he wouldn’t let that happen, thus started their special little secret.

“Go ahead and grab a shower. I’ll start the soup and call your Aunt Charlie.”

Ben turns to take off to his room but quickly turns back and wraps Dean in a hug, “Thanks for staying home with me today, Dad.”

Dean leans down and kisses the top of his son’s head, “Of course bud.”

 


	3. Going Back to California

Cas isn’t a nervous flyer by any means. He loves to travel, loves to visit places he’s never been. He and Ephraim have made it a point to visit a new place at least twice a year. So plane rides for Cas, are not a big deal.

Usually.

This plane ride however, has Cas’ mind in overdrive, his imagination is running wild, and he’s anxious beyond belief. He’s flying back to California, and away from the heartache that was Ephraim Myers.

His lying, cheating, son of a bitch of an ex-boyfriend.

Cas had woken up to two voices filtering through the walls. He remembered that one of Ephraim's friends, Wyatt, was going to be joining them for dinner. Cas stretched laid there for a bit longer and reminisced about what had transpired just a couple of hours earlier, he was sore in all the right places.

He finally drags himself out of bed to freshen up before going to meet the boys on the patio.

He takes his time making his way outside, allowing the friends a bit more privacy. Tidying up things along the way, before going into the kitchen to grab a beer and season the steaks they plan to have for dinner.

Once they're done he decides to go join the boys outside, careful not to interrupt their conversation. They’re looking out into the city, with their backs toward the apartment, too wrapped up in their conversation to even hear Cas moving closer.

“So, he a good lay?” Wyatt ask casually, before taking a sip of his beer.

Ephraim laughs good naturedly, “Yeah, man. His fucking mouth should be a sin.”

Cas preens a little at the praise. He knows he’s good at giving head, always has been.

“Yeah I bet. When they’re that young, they feel like they got something to prove. Wanna show an old man like you just how eager and enthusiastic they are.”

Castiel and Ephraim are the same age.

“Yeah well, my dick appreciates his enthusiasm. Nick has a lot to prove, I’m just glad I’m able to lend a hand.”

The name sounds familiar, Cas has heard it before.

“Thank god for interns, am I right?” Wyatt adds.

That’s right. Ephraim had been working late lately with the interns. Cas can’t believe he fell for the oldest line in the book. He can’t believe he trusted the son of a bitch.

He can’t believe he wanted to build a future with him, get married, and start a family.  Cas was in love with him. Ephraim was his everything. He thought he had finally found the one, his forever.

Cas’ emotions are a whirlwind of hurt, pain, disappointment and heartache, finally settling on something that feels tangible. Anger.

He feels like everything is crashing down around him. His heart feels heavy, his throat is tight. He isn’t prepared to go through another major breakup. It felt like forever before he was able to get over his last one.

Leaving Dean had been one of the hardest things he ever had to do. And knowing that Dean never once reached out, never tried to contact him made it all the worse.

Coming to realization that he truly meant so little to someone who had meant so much to him, was something he didn’t think he could survive. Not again.

Although, he probably should have seen it coming. The signs were there. The late nights at the office, the random business trips, the several lies he caught Ephraim in. He had wanted to give the other man the benefit of the doubt. Wanted to believe he was being honest, being faithful, even if his gut reaction was telling him otherwise.

Ephraim was obviously never really committed to him.  Dean was never really committed to him either. He couldn't stand up to his father for them, couldn’t keep his promise of moving to New York for them. And why would Ephraim be any different.

Apparently He just isn’t worth forever.

Isn’t worth staying faithful to.

Just isn't worth loving.

He finally makes his presence known, “Why?” is all he ask. His voice barely above a whisper.

Ephraim turns sharply to meet Cas’ gaze. His face filled with shock and guilt.

His vision blurs with unshed tears, as he repeats himself, “Why?” Then goes onto add, “Ephraim, how could you?”

Ephraim moves forward and reaches out for Cas’ hand. Cas takes a step back. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t-”

“I love you.” He says desperately.

“Cas...baby. I’m sorry.” He tries to reach out for him again.

He doesn’t want to hear any more of his lies. “Get out.”

“Cas, please just listen-”

“GET OUT!” Cas shouts before retreating back into the house and locking himself in the bedroom.

Ephraim knocks on the door a several times, begging Cas to open the door so they can talk. Each request is met with silence.

He hears Wyatt telling him to give Cas some space. Within a few minutes Cas hears the main door open and shut.

He was once again, alone.

He sits there in silence as his tears race down his face.

It hits him hard. Another failed relationship.

Another nightmare he wishes he could wake up from.

He cries and Cries, until he has nothing left. Wondering how so much pain can be caused by one person. Why so much pain is allowed to happen.

He finally gathers enough strength to pull out his phone and call the only person he knows won't let him down.

“Hey baby bro, what's shakin’?” Gabe’s voice filters through the speaker.

Cas thought he was done crying but apparently not. Hearing his brothers voice brings out an ugly sob with more tears. He’s too distraught to speak clearly, he can barely get the words out. He tells his brother everything through broken sobs.

“Please Gabe. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay here.”

That’s all Gabe needed to hear. The Next thing Cas knows, he's boarding a plane to California. Leaving, Ephraim and everything else behind.

He makes a promise to himself, right there and then, that he’ll never let anyone get that close again.

+++

Airports have always symbolized something more to Castiel. All the comings and goings, all of the hellos, goodbyes, and see you laters. Kind of like a book, someone was always starting a new chapter in their lives. Or in his case, ending one.

Cas is no stranger to navigating an airport alone, does so a lot for work. His publishing company, HarperCollins, sends him all over the world to meet different clients. He was thankful when they offered a full time position with the company after his internship was over. He was even more thankful when they said they would do anything to keep him on the payroll, despite him only giving them a days’ notice about his move to the West coast.

Castiel would miss his office and NYC terribly, and even though he mostly worked from home, he had forged strong bonds with a few coworkers, Balthazar and Meg being the most important.

Cas had told them everything over dinner, during his last few days in the city. They were sad to see him go but understood his reasoning.

Cas told everyone he was leaving except for Ephriam. He would find out eventually, probably form a mutual friend, that Cas left the state. He owed the man nothing else.

He aimlessly walks around the airport a bit longer, witnessing others’ heartfelt hellos and tearful goodbyes. It’s amazing just how alone you can feel in an airport and in this moment, Cas has never felt lonelier. He should have taken Gabe up on his offer to pick him up.

But his brother had done so much for him already. Finding a new place for him to live, in his same building just a few floors down, arranging for his stuff to shipped from New York to California, letting the delivery guys in with his newly purchased furniture. Gabe had gone above and beyond of what was being asked of him, and Cas is grateful that he gets to call him his brother.

Just as he’s about to sit down and order a Lyft to drive him to Gabe’s, he hears a familiar voice.

“Hey Dickweed! Get your ass over you schmuck!”

Gabe,

And even though he’s as crass as ever, Cas finds himself rushing through the crowd to towards his brother’s voice.

“Gabe.” He says as soon as he’s close enough.

Yeah, they’re brothers but they’re also best friends, and Cas has learned that that's sometimes a rare thing to have with siblings. He squeezes his brother tight the minute he gets his hands around him. Gabe returns the hug just as tightly.

He pulls back and looks directly at Cas and ask, “How you doin’ kido?” in a tone of voice Castiel hardly hears from Gabriel.

All of his emotions come flooding back, hitting him all at once and propelling him back into his brothers arms. He lets the tears silently fall while Gabe soothingly rubs up and down Castiel’s arms and repeatedly tells him that it’ll eventually be okay.

“I’m here now little bro. Go ahead and let it all out.”

“Gabe.” Cas says through broken sobs.

“I know Casanova, It’ll be okay.”

They stand there, in the middle of the airport for a bit longer. Gabe holding Cas, patiently waiting for his brother to work through his emotions and eventually calming down enough make their way to Gabe’s place.

+++

Gabe drives them directly to his new place of residence. He forgot how clear northern California traffic is compared to New York City. There’s some stop and go but they’re actually moving. Cas realizes that he just might have to invest in a car while he’s here.

He’s not sure if this will be his permanent residence but while he’s here, he might lease something practical.

The outside of his apartment building blends in with all of the other buildings around them. It’s unassuming and perfect. Cas has never been one for flashy things and neither has his brother. Despite growing up with wealthy parents and gifted a stupidly large amount of money for someone in their early twenties to have as a graduation gift, Cas and his brother live as modestly as possible. They indulge on the important things like a place to live, good furniture, and breathtaking vacations. His family had always been big on vacations, exploring the world, it’s about the only thing Cas has in common with them. They worked in finance and retired early to Florida. They still travel, just not as much as they used to.

For the most part though, Cas and Gabe invested a good chunk of their money into various places, including a sizable savings account. They both make enough at their own job to maintain their preferred lifestyle without dipping into daddy and mommy’s money too much. They love them but they don’t have the best relationship with their parents.

Gabe hands him the keys to his new place and he uses them to turn the lock and enter it for the first time. It’s beautiful. Everything Cas would have picked out had he been here himself. The furniture is arranged in a way that’s practical and makes sense.

His apartment is a modest three bedroom, two bath apartment style condo. He tried to tell Gabe he didn't need all of that space But once his brother explained that he could use the master bedroom as his bedroom, one of the other rooms as his office and the last room as a guest room, he stopped protesting. The kitchen is an open space with beautiful stainless steel appliances.  The entire place is painted in the typical soft white, with hardwood flooring going throughout, with windows that let in a lot of natural light. The place came with its own washer and dryer, which Cas is truly thankful for. His new furniture is a deep mahogany and his mattress is feels like a perfect could.  He finishes his tour of his new place and thanks Gabe profusely for finding such an amazing place. He’s excited that they live in the same building. He hasn’t lived this close to his brother since high school.  He never wants to know what life would be like without him.

 “So what do you think?”  Gabe ask.

“It's amazing! Seriously Gabe, I can’t thank you enough.”

“Yeah, yeah you big lug. Let’s get going, I noticed you didn’t pack in bedding in the hundreds of boxes you had shipped over here.”

“It was not _hundreds of boxes_ ,” Cas mocks, “plus I didn’t want anything that reminded me of my past life.”

“What are you Doctor Who? Get outta here, you can’t just shed an “old life” like a snake sheds skin.”

“Watch me.” Cas challenges as they walk out the door.

He didn’t really want to take anything with him from his place in New York. Too many memories attached to too many things.

Cas didn’t want the grey throw blanket that him and Ephraim used to cuddle under, or the couch they watched their favorite shows on. He didn’t want any of the old bedding they used to share, or the matching reading lamps he had on both sides of the bed. Cas didn’t want to bring those old memories into his new life. Those things, those memories, reminded him of happiness, hope, and love.

He didn’t have any of that anymore.

He won’t let himself fall for another, only to get crushed when they don’t catch him.

This place is a new start.

‘My place needs some color,” he says to Gabe once they’re in the car. “Rich shades of yellows, greens, and taupes. And I need plants! Lots and lots of plants!”

“What are you trying to do, make you place look like the Bora Bora?

“haha, no. but keep those tones in mind.”

“You got it Angelina Bro-lie.”

“And maybe after you can take me to your favorite restaurant for dinner, my treat.”

“You were going to pay for dinner no matter what, but thanks for the offer kiddo.” Gabe says as he starts up the car.

+++

After visiting several different home decorating and furniture stores, the brothers finally make it to dinner at Gabe’s favorite restaurant.  A small little hole in wall of a place that serves the most delicious burgers Cas has ever had.

“These make me happy.” Cas says around a mouthful of red meat and cheese.

“Told you these were the best burgers you’ve ever tasted.”

Their waiter stops by and drops off a new round of fresh beers. “To having you back in not only the same city and state as me but the same building! To new beginnings,” Gabe raises his glass.

Cas raises his glass up to meet his brothers, “to new beginnings.”

The beer quickly turns into shots and the hole in the wall burger place turns into a blur of a few different bars. And before Cas knows it, he's drunk off his ass and singing cheesy karaoke songs on stage with Gabe.

It feels good to just let go. To not worry about how much his life has changed within the last few days.

He makes conversation with a few other drunk people and even gets a couple of phone numbers from others. All in all it was a good night.

They finally make it back to Gabe’s around three in the morning, after Gabriel begged their Lyft driver to hit up a drive-thru. Cas didn't want to spend his first night back in California alone and drunk, and thankfully Gabe didn’t even bat an eye when Cas followed him into his room and parked himself on the other side of Gabe’s bed.  

They haven’t shared a room, let alone the same bed since they were pre-teens, when Cas’ nightmares were too much to handle and he couldn’t go back to sleep. Gabe was there then and he’s here now, which is perfect because once again, Cas’ dreams are forcing him awake.

Thankfully this time it’s not a nightmare, though Cas might prefer those instead. Tonight his brain insists upon providing dream after dream of a beautiful greened eyed man of Cas’ past. Cas hadn’t really thought of Dean in what feels like forever. He’s just been recently reminded of him with the whole return to California thing. He originally left this state to chase his dreams and run from heartbreak. He had left what used to think as, the love of his life behind, without so much as a goodbye.

Hmm, seems like he has a habit for doing that. He’s two for two now.

 He wonders what Dean looks like now. Is he still just as handsome as when Cas knew him? Are his eyes just as bright and hopeful? Has he fallen in love? Gotten married? Started a family?

He wanted all that and more with Dean once upon a time.

All of his dreams are centered around Dean hating him.

Does he hate him? Cas wouldn’t blame him.

Cas doesn’t deserve to know any of these answers, he left them man without so much as a goodbye, just like he did Ephraim. It’s all he does, when times get too hard he leaves. He doesn’t stick around to try and fix things, to give the other a chance to apologize, a chance to make things right. He just purchases the next plane ticket out and leaves devastation in his wake.

He doesn't deserve love.

He didn’t deserve Dean. He was going through something, having a hard time accepting who he was, of getting his family to accept who he was, and Cas just left him. Left him when he needed him the most. Had Cas stuck around they could have fixed whatever was broken between them, they could have made it.

Tears fall across his face freely, he walked away from the best thing he ever had.

“Hey kiddo, what are you doing up?”

Gabe startles him and hastily swipes away his tears. “Couldn’t sleep,” he says, his voice thick.

“Hey, come one Cas. Don’t waste anymore tears on that piece of shit. He cheated on you. He doesn’t deserve your love.”

“I’m not crying because of him.”

“Then what’s got you so upset?”

“Dean. I miss him Gabe.” Cas is startled by his own confession.

“What? Cas he-”

“I know but Gabe, I just left him. I just left him and I loved him so much. How could I do that? How come I didn’t stay and make it work? How come-” Cas cuts himself off as a sob works its way out of him.

“Hey--hey--hey,” Gabe grabs Cas and wraps an arm around him, “I know you’re hurting but you can’t take all of the blame. That swizzle-stick is to blame, you were following your dreams and he wanted to make sure you stayed his dirty little secret. Cas you deserve so much better than either of those assholes could give you. I know Dean was your first love, but he ain’t your last. You’ll find someone who loves you just as much as you love them. Who’ll support all of your dreams, who’ll proudly show you off to the world, and who would never cheat on you. You’re getting closer to your forever, kid. You just gotta kiss a little more frogs.”

“I don’t think want forever anymore.”

“That’s okay too. When you get too old to function, i promise to make sure you have a hot nurse.”

Cas chuckles, “Thanks Gabe.”

“Anything for you Brotato chip. Now let's get some rest, I remember you promising much more fun furniture shopping tomorrow.” Gabe says sarcastically.

‘It’s the best hangover cure.”

“My left nut is the best hangover cure.”

“Just the left one?”

“Yeah because I need the right one to tell you to suck it!”

Surprisingly, their late night conversations haven’t changed much.

+++

The rest of the weekend is spent putting the final touches on his new place. He spent his first night alone yesterday. Gabe opted to spend the other previous nights in his new place with him. His apartment finally feels like home.

He’s been sitting in his office since nine this morning, responding to emails, returning phone calls, and reaching out to his many clients. He has editing deadlines he has to make, and he can’t do so if he doesn’t get the content from his clients.

This is the only part of his job that Cas could do without. He hates rushing the creative process. People are sensitive about the things they create and Cas doesn’t want to add any negativity to that. And those are the clients he’s a bit more lenient with, more understanding. But then there are some that don’t care about any deadlines, they give you things whenever they feel ready, and Castiel edits that content with the same philosophy. They’ll get it when _he’s_ good and ready.

He pulls off his thick black framed glasses and rubs his eyes, it’s probably time for a break. As if on cue, his stomach growls. Cas gets up from his plush leather chair and stretches, taking a look around the room. He’s proud of this space. He kept the same tones all through the apartment, using the deepest ones in this room. His deep mahogany desk sits right in front of the window, which casts a beautiful glow on the wood. There are five clocks hung up above the window. Each displaying a different time from where some of his clients reside; London, Sydney, South Africa, New York, and California right in the middle. He has a various movie posters, album covers, and book covers on his wall, desk, and other surfaces. Some of those book covers are from books his clients have written. He proudly displays the first book he ever edited in the dead center of the main wall.

He still remembers that day, his brother had flown in for that momentous occasion. Despite all that had transpired before his move to New York, his dreams were becoming a reality.

+

Cas makes a quick lunch, just a turkey sandwich and some chips. Gabe told him to come over for dinner, so Cas doesn’t want to risk still being full at dinner time. Gabe is an excellent cook, Cas on the other will burn water if he isn’t careful.

He goes back into his office to grab his laptop, glasses and his favorite tan cardigan and heads outside to on his patio. He grabs a beer on his way and settles on one of the fluorescent pink chairs Gabriel talked him into.

He finishes up the last of his emails before exiting out of everything and pulling up a fresh Google Doc. Cas is finally taking the steps and working on his own book. He’s published small stories here and there but nothing as daunting as an entire book. He wants to write about something he knows, something that will flow through him easily but will hopefully also be cathartic. He decided he was going to write a story derived from heartache but ends with the two main characters getting back together. He can use his past relationships as inspiration. And if one of the main characters has green eyes, well that nobody’s business but his own.

He’ll be writing under a pseudonym after all.   

 


	4. Sometimes Goodbye isn't Always Goodbye

“You can’t marry him he’s not even from this realm.” Gib whispers. Their sitting downstairs in the dining room waiting for their parents to join them for dinner.  

“I love him Gib!” Camron harshly whispers back.  

“I know that, Cam. But mom and dad will not be happy. You are one of the heirs to the throne. You cannot be that and be with a human and with a man on top of all of that. You’re screwed.”

“You don’t think I know that? But what am i to do brother? I love him.”  He looks at his older brother for guidance. 

“I know little bro. We’ll figure it out together. I promise.” He pulls him into a one-sided hug. 

Their parents finally make their way into the room, “Sons.”

“Father.” They answer together. 

“Cameron, Francis told me you declined his offer to dinner. Why is that?”

“I wasn’t hungry,”

“The offer was for tomorrow night. Are you saying you won’t be hungry then?”

“Mother I don’t want-”

“Cameron. Francis would be a perfect suitor for you. He comes from wealth and education. Do you know how hard it is to find you a male suitor? She says the word male with such disgust.

“I didn’t ask you to find me anyone mother,” Cas puts as much disgust in her name as possible.

“Dammit Cameron!”

“NO mother! I’m sorry that you find my attraction to men so disgusting but you cannot force me to love another.”

“As long as you live under my roof, you will do as I say.”

“Fine! I’ll leave.”

“You will do no such thing. You will live here and marry whom we choose. You are an heir to this throne and that is more important that you being in love.”

Cameron quickly gets up and storms off to his room. He needs to see his love. Dan will calm him down, he’ll know what to do. Dan will----

+

Sunday mornings have always been one of Cas’ favorite parts of the week. They offer a calmness that none of the other mornings seem to bring. This particular Sunday morning, Cas sits outside on his in his favorite chair, enjoying his last day before he starts his old job at his new location. He’s either had too much caffeine or a nervous excitement is buzzing in his veins. He lazily sips his coffee as the words (insert last few words of inserted story) stare back at him. 

His muse had made itself known early this morning, earlier than Cas usually begins his days, but anyone who does anything creative knows that when your muse calls, you answer.

He quickly got out of bed and threw on one of his favorite cardigans-a cream color with specks of red woven into it- his thick black framed glasses, and his laptop and headed outside. 

They always say to write what you know and what Cas knows is heartbreak. He writes about his break up with Ephraim, and with Dean. Except in this story, him and Dean will get the happy ending Cas wishes they had. He probably needs to change their fake names, they're a little weak but they’ll do for now.

He wrote for hours, only taking breaks for coffee and food. He wrote word after word until his muse disappeared.

It always feels good writing for himself, creating his own stories instead of editing the works of others. It’s always been a dream of his to write his own book, share the stories he has in his head. And at the ripe age of thirty-six, he thinks he’s finally ready to take the leap and do just that. 

He sits there for an extra moment or two to simply just exist. His patio has easily become one of his favorite places to spend his time, especially if there’s writing involved. He furnished this area with simple black wicker patio furniture he purchased at the nearby furniture store. It had been a total impulse buy, he was there with Gabe to pick out a recliner for his “man-cave”. Cas never pictured his brother being someone with a “man-cave” but he tagged along anyways, and not being able to sit down and enjoy the beautiful outdoors like this, he’s glad he did. 

Him and Gabe have spent about everyday together since Cas moved back to California. They either spend the entire day together, running errands or lazing around each other's places, or at the very least meeting up for a bite to eat on Gabe’s more hectic work days. It’s been nice living so close to his brother again. Gabe and Cas have always been close, but there's only so much support you can offer being roughly three-thousand miles away. He’s thankful to have such an amazing big brother, best friend, ‘ride or die’ as his brother would describe it.

During his first few nights back in California, Gabe had taken Cas out to ‘get him acquainted’ with the area. Cas hadn’t been on a bender like that since college and he paid for every minute of it the following morning. Gabe had taken him to some of his favorite bars, restaurants, breweries, and local hang outs. Of course, they visited some of the famous tourist attractions, but Gabe never did well with big crowds, so they didn’t stay very long. They did visit the local aquarium, a place Cas always found enchanting. His favorite thing to do was to watch the sea otters and jellyfish. These animals always looked so peaceful and free. 

He hopes that with this fresh start he’ll have more time to do simple things like that. In New York he had allowed himself to get caught up with the hustle and bustle of the city. He allowed himself to let Ephraim’s dreams become his own. He lost a bit of himself in that city, but being back in California with his brother, his feels more at peace than he’s felt in a long time.   

+++

Cas’ alarm blares some annoyingly obnoxious tone at him from across his bedroom. He learned long ago that in order to prevent himself from constantly hitting the snooze button, he had to physically get out of bed and turn off his alarm. He forgot what it felt like to be up this early in the morning. He’s gotten so used to working from home and on his own schedule that he has become a little spoiled. Cas always starts his days with a morning run, which he’s completely regretting right now. Before it wasn’t a problem, as long as he made it out of his house by 11 am, he was happy but since he’s going into the office at eight in the morning, he had to get up at 5:00am to make sure he could get through his entire morning routine. 

He learned early on in during post grad life, that his morning routine helped to get him in the right mindset to get through his day. His routine doesn’t consist of anything too involved, but it helps him get centered. 

He starts off with a quick stretch and then he’s off hitting the pavement for his run. When he gets back in, he usually does a little light meditation/yoga before he gets in the shower. Soon after he’s enjoying a light breakfast with coffee before he gets dressed and heads out for his day with his tumbler full of coffee.  

Simple and most importantly, not rushed. 

Wanting to give himself as much extra time as possible this morning, Cas laid out a few outfit choices the night before, which of course, seem to be all wrong this morning. One is too warm, the other too casual, and the last one too uptight. He really wants to make a good impression on his first day, so he goes back into his closet and begins to frantically look for something that will give off the correct impression and image he’s trying to portray while also allowing him to feel comfortable and confident. After almost fifteen minutes and several outfit changes, mini-freak outs, and a quick phone call to Gabriel, they decided he should wear his slightly dressier Teal blue flannel, grey slacks that are just on the right side of being too snug and dark brown loafers with a matching belt. He rolled up his sleeves up about a quarter of the way, just enough for his Guardians of the Galaxy tattoo to peak through.

He feels confident and relaxed. 

+

He arrives at his new office building fifteen minutes early. He checks-in at the front desk reception and waits for his ‘welcoming committee’ to arrive. Cas’ old office didn’t do that and wonders if it’s just a west coast thing. 

Soon enough he’s being greeted by three of his new coworkers. One is a balding man wearing a slightly oversized navy suit, the other is a shorter dark-haired woman with kind eyes, and the last one a statuesque woman with naturally wavy blonde hair and a soft smile.

The man is the first to make an introduction, “Hi Castiel, I’m Phil Coulson, “he stretches out his hand in greeting. “I’m the one you’ve been in contact with and the head of our West Coast department.”

Castiel stands before shaking Mr. Coulson’s hand. “Yes, thank you for everything. I really appreciate you make making room for me on your team.”

“You come highly recommended and as long as you can live up to that we’re happy to do so.”

“Of course.” Cas answers confidently. 

“This is Melinda May,” he indicates the dark-haired woman to his left, “she is my Executive Assistant and without her, I would have failed at my job years ago.”

“Please call me May. And Phil’s right, He couldn’t run this place without me.” She says playfully. 

“Lastly to my right is Jessica Moore. She works in the corner office opposite of yours and is your official welcoming committee. May and I are off to a meeting, please let me know if you need anything and check in with me before you leave for the day.” Mr. Coulson pats his shoulder before quickly exiting the building. 

Cas turns to Jessica for a proper greeting. “It’s nice to meet you Jessica.”

“Please, Jess is fine. And it’s nice to meet you too Castiel.”

“Cas is fine.”

“Noted. Would you like a quick tour of the building before I show you to your ‘corner office’.” she says in a mocking tone.  

“That would be great, thank you.”

+++

Jess turns out to be really cool. Her and Cas seem to have an instant friendship, or at least that’s how Castiel feels. They have similar personalities, find humor in the same things, similar working styles, and Cas is grateful to have her as a colleague.

Cas has learned that Jess has worked for the company for just over five years, is married to her college sweetheart, and they’re talking about starting a family soon. This wasn’t her first career choice, she started college thinking she was going to be a nurse, but soon realized she was living someone else's dream. She also revealed that she really wants to write a children's book in the future. Cas of course shared that he’s currently working on a Young Adult novel.  

In the following weeks, him and Jess spend a lot of time together, even when he isn’t in the office. They’ll meet up for lunch, help each other out with clients, and just genuinely hang out. They’re currently on their way to a book signing for one her clients at a local mom and pop bookstore. Jess called Cas earlier this morning begging him to go with her because her husband had a prior engagement. 

“I know the last thing you want to do on a Saturday night is spend time with your coworker at a work thing, but I really don’t want to go alone. The hubby double booked and since his is a work event too, he had to ditch me. Pleeeeeeaassse Castiel will you go? We can go out to dinner after, my treat!” Jess whined.

Cas could imagine her puppy eyes now. He laughed and playfully answered, “You know your puppy eyes don’t work through the phone, right?”

“I know but a guilt trip does. And I know you don’t want me to go all alone to the book signing of one of my creepy clients.”

“Creepy you say?”

“The creepiest. He gives me the heebs and jeebs Castiel. Don't make me go alone. You’ll never forgive yourself if I end up serving a life sentence in jail for defending myself.”

“I thought that husband of yours had a fancy law degree?”

“He does, but you know Sam’s a big ol’ baby. He’d be too emotionally distraught to win my case. Do you want that on your conscience Cas?” Man, was she laying it on thick. 

“Fine. I’ll go.”

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! Send me your address, I’ll pick you up at five-thirty for our hot date. Remember dinners on me.”

“I can buy my own dinner, just buy the alcohol. And remember, I have a very high tolerance.”

Jess chuckles, “Deal. And thanks again, I really appreciate it!” 

“Of course. I’ll see you this evening Jess.”

“See ya, Cas.”   

When they arrive they noticed how packed the place is. They scan the room for a place to sit when they finally spot some available standing room against the far wall. 

“Wow. I can’t believe how packed it is.”

“You sound shocked,” Cas says confused.

“Because I am. I guess I just sometimes get so caught up in the editing side of things that I didn’t fully take in the story and how his target audience would receive it.” Jess explains. 

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“And like I said, guy’s a total creep. But one of my most popular creeps.”

Cas chuckles, “well I’ll make sure you don’t do any jail time tonight.”

Jess places her hand over her heart and swoons, “my hero.”

All in all, it was your typical signing. The author, James Reyes, read an excerpt from one of the chapters, signed everyone’s books, and even posed for a few pictures towards the end.  When he came to say hello to Jessica, Cas made sure to use his height to his advantage, doing his best to silently intimidate the shorter man. She was right, the man is creepy.

+++   
  
The restaurant that Jess chose is a swanky restaurant style bar with an extensive drink menu. 

Perfect for Cas. 

Cas is on his third drink before their food even arrives. Jess is on her second and is determined to keep up with Cas. 

The conversation, as always, flows easily with Jess. They talk about the latest office drama, their crazy family members, and come up with background stories for the other restaurant goers.

“I swear Cas, you’re like the perfect guy! No offense to the hubby but he’s lucky that I didn’t meet you first.” Jess giggles as she drunkley sips the last of her drink. 

“Oh no! It’s all gone!” Jess turns her glass upside down to show Cas. 

“Stop pouting. We’ll tell the waiter we need more go-go juice!” 

“Again, you’re perfect Cas!”

“Far from it but thank you Jessica. I think your perfect as well.”

“Uh0oh better watch out. Imma tell Sam you’re flirting.”

“Tell Sam he has nothing to worry about,” Cas leans into and whispers loudly in her ear, “I’m gay!”

“You are?! Oh my gosh! My brother-in-law is bi! You have to meet him!” She practically screams. 

“Oh no! I don’t mix business and my personal life.”

“Liar! You’re sitting here with me and I’m business and pleasure.” She bounces her eyebrows. 

Cas laughs loudly at her antics, “Is that how you got Sam to notice you?”

“Nah, I used these babies!” She proceeds to place one of her long legs on the table and caress it up and down. Thankfully she’s in jeans. 

Cas almost falls off his chair with how hard he’s laughing. “Oh my God, Jessica! Put your leg down,” he pushes her leg back onto the ground. “You’re crazy! I’m gonna cut you off!”

“Don’t you dare!”

Cas raises his hand in surrender. 

“And don’t ignore me. Let me set you up! You’d love him!”

“Jess, no.”

“Cas, Yes.” She deepens her voice to imitate his. 

He glares, “Jessica Moore! I can’t date him. I wouldn’t want-”

“Too late!” She interrupts, “I already texted both him and Sam. They’re on their way. Apparently, they were coming to crash our dinner anyways. So see it was meant to be!”

Cas stares at her dumbfounded.

“Fuck.”

“Oh, don’t be such a sour-puss. Like I said, you’re gonna love him! And if for some strange reason you don’t, I promise never to do anything like this again.” 

Cas is willing to suffer through this one encounter for such a promise. And if Jess seems to think he’ll “love” this guy then he can’t be too bad. Nothing further may come from this meeting him but hopefully he’ll at least have some good conversation.  

“Fine,” Cas points his finger at her, “but I’m holding you to your drunken promise!”

Jess places her hand over her heart, “I solemnly swear.”

“The rest of that quote gives me no faith.”

She just smiles in return.

+

It isn’t long before Jess is bouncing up and down with excitement. “They’re parking!”

“I feel like I should remind you that nothing will probably come of this.”

“Oh shut up and stop being so negative. You never know!”

Before he can give her a smartass reply Jess excitedly yells, “Sam! Over here baby!”

Cas turns around towards the direction she was yelling. He instantly recognizes the gargantuan of a man with long shaggy hair. It's been so long since he’s seen him, but he looks almost exactly the same. Just a little more filled out and lot more muscular, but still that little boy that followed his big brother everywhere.

He quickly spins back around, almost knocking over his drink, “Sam Winchester is your husband?!” He harshly whispers.

“Yeah! Wait, you know him?”

“Yes! Jess I can’t be here. I have to go.” He hastily gets up from the table, instantly regretting the amount of alcohol he’s consumed. His eyes scan the restaurant for another exit that won’t make him pass by the one person he’s been trying to avoid for the last ten years. Jess grabs his hand, pulling his focus back down to where she’s still sitting.

“Cas wait a minute. Where are you-”

“CAS?!” A deep voice calls out. 

Before he can reply, Sam pulls him into a massive bear hug. “I’ve missed you buddy! It’s been so long! How have you been?”

Even though ten years has passed, Sam still feels like home. Like the little brother he never knew he needed.  

And he still gives the best hugs.

Cas pulls back a little, just enough to see the other man’s face but is still be enveloped in his arms, “I’m good, Sam. How are you? I hear you’re a big bad lawyer now.”

Sam still makes that modest looking face and rubs the back of his neck when you compliment him. 

“Uh, yeah. I finally made it.”

“That’s good Sam! I’m really proud of you!” Cas pulls him in for another hug.

“Not that I don’t think this is adorable,” Jess interrupts, “But Cas, how do you know my husband?” 

“Uh-”

“Dean and him were like madly in lo-”

It was in that moment that everyone remembered that Dean was there. 

Cas stepped away from Sam and Jess and moved towards Dean. The man he hadn’t seen in ten years. The man he ran away from. The man who used to be (still is) his everything, is standing only a few feet right in front of him, his face an unreadable mask.

His feet close the distance without permission. 

Seeing him, standing there against the darkness of the room, he still shines the brightest in Cas’ eyes. Like Sam, he still looks the same, just a little older, muscles more defined. His eyes though, his eyes are still as expressive as ever and still as breathtaking. 

It seems like forever passes before Cas gets the courage to break the silence. 

“Hello, Dean.”


	5. I Don't Think About You

“Fuck baby, right there. Just like that.”

Dean continues the rhythm. Hitting just the right spot.

“Harder, Dean. Don’t stop.”

He fucks deeper, shorter thrust. Hands trail down his bare back, leaving tiny red burning lines. He loves the pain, no matter how small.

“Please baby. I’m so close.”

Dean’s close too. His rhythm faltering, thrust becoming more erratic. Doing everything he can to chase that euphoric feeling. Hands move to his shoulder, gripping tighter. Moans becoming louder.

He’s always been a gentleman, patiently waiting for his turn.

It shouldn’t be too much longer. Just a few more thrust in and out, in and out, in and out.

He feels the tight clench around him.

He closes his eyes trying to hold off a little longer, seeing nothing but blue when he does. It consumes him.

Blue eyes.

A beautiful indescribable blue.

It becomes too much.

Dean thrust once, twice more and he’s spilling out his release.

Falling over and collapsing on the bed.

Lisa angles her body towards his.

“Fuck. That was amazing.” She says while still trying to catch her breath. “I don’t know where that came from, but definitely do that again.”

Dean laughs nervously, if she only knew that it wasn’t her dark hair he was seeing. That he was imagining blue eyes instead of her brown ones.

He hasn’t fantasized about Cas during sex in a long time. At first, right after Cas had left, he had fucked every dark-haired blue-eyed person that would let him. But all they were cheap knock-offs. Hair color always slightly off, eyes never the right shade of blue. After a while he finally gave up. Only thinking of Cas when he was alone, or when he wanted to hurry up and finish.

But he hasn’t done that in years.

He’s with Lisa now, and they have Ben, and they’re happy.

For the most part.

Of course things could be better but what relationship is perfect? All relationships go through their rough patches. You can’t _always_ be in love right? Couples fall back in and out all of the time. It’s normal. Just because Sam says he’s never experience that with Jess doesn’t mean anything, they’re freaks. Stupidly in love, puppy love, young love. Plus they don’t have a kid together. Kids put strains on any relationship. They just need to work through this, and Dean needs to stop running into the men with blue eyes. No not Dean, Jessica needs to stop bringing men with blue eyes around him.

He can’t remember the last time he’s felt so awkward. So out of control of his emotions. But Castiel, Castiel always had that effect on him.

And apparently always will.

Dean’s thought about what he would do if he ever ran into Cas. He’s imagined so many different scenarios. He imagines confronting Cas about the way left, but that’s only when he believes the lies he tells everyone else. He still remembers how he felt walking into their bedroom just to realize it was empty. Void of Cas, void of his things. It had hurt like hell, still does but he deserves worse.

He sometime imagines fucking Cas on the first available surface they can find. But even more so, he imagines Cas fucking him. He misses the way Cas touched him, filled him, satisfied him, loved him.

He imagines them somehow becoming friends, maybe even blending their families together, because there’s no way in hell, Cas is single and without a family. He has too much love to give.

But mostly he imagines dropping to his knees confessing everything and begging Cas for forgiveness he doesn’t deserve. And praying that Cas is crazy enough to give it to him.

But when the time came, he did none of that. He froze.

The man that has never been far from his thoughts was right there and he froze.

_“Hello, Dean”_

Hello, Dean.

It’s been over ten years, since Dean has heard Cas utters those words. HIs two favorite words. No one, says ‘hello, Dean’ the way Cas does. It’s always felt like coming home, a calm washing over him. It’s always felt like that, even from the start.

His voice may be a little grittier, the lines around his blue eyes a little deeper, but his eyes are still the perfect shade of blue, his hair just as unruly, his face...just as perfect. Dean finds himself drowning in everything that is Cas, and even after all these years, he still doesn’t want to come up for air.

“Hey, Cas.”

Dean wants to pull him into a hug, kiss him until he’s dizzy, and never letting go. It takes everything in him not to do so. Cas isn’t his anymore.

If he ever was.

“Cas and I were just about to order another round.” Jess announces.

“I should actually be on my way. Thank you for today, Jessica.”

“Aww no, come on Cas, please stay. It’s been forever since I’ve seen you.” Sam whines.

_He’s leaving? He can’t leave._ It’s been too long since they’ve seen each other and past few minutes is nowhere near long enough, even if it is a bit awkward.

“I’m sorry Sam, but I really should be going.”

Cas begins gathering his things and makes his way towards the door, before Dean thinks better of it, his hand reaches out to stop Cas from taking another step.

“Stay. Please.”

Cas shakes his head, “I can’t Dean. I’m sorry.”

Dean wishes he would have done more to get him to stay. To talk to him. To apologize for ever letting his father get so much in his head that he went out and destroyed the best thing he ever had. Because seeing him again, didn’t bring up any of the anger he thought he would have had. It just reminded him of what he’s missing, of the love he lost. He’s still not sure if Cas knows the truth about that night, if that was his reason for leaving Dean. Dean’s never spoken of his infidelity, he’s too ashamed. And too scared to admit to himself that he’s the reason he and Cas didn’t make it.  Of the fact that he never fell out of love with him.

Of the love he wants again.

Even if only as friends.

+

“So let me get this straight, you run into him and you don’t say anything?! You don’t even ask him why he left you?” Charlie asks before taking another sip of her fruity flavored beer. Dean usually doesn’t frequent bars with such ‘beers’ but this one has good arrangement of darker brews as well.

“That’s not the kind of thing you just ask someone after not seeing them for over ten years.”

“The hell you can’t! He owes you an explanation Dean! He owes us!” She gestures between all three of them.

“I’m with Charlie here, we were all friends. It’d be nice to know why he just left like that.”

“Oh come on, not you too Benny.” Dean whines.

“All I’m saying is that someone owes someone an explanation.”

“Yeah!” Charlie adds, “Don’t you want to know why?”

“He said why, I didn’t want to go to New York.”

Charlie stares at him as if he’s the dumbest person she’s ever met. “The real reason he left.”

“That was the real reason.”

“Dean.”

“Charlie.”

“Dean.”

“Charlie.”

“Dean! Benny, tell him that that couldn’t be Cas’ real reason.”

“Real reason or not, that’s the one I got. Plus if you didn’t notice, Cas actually did go to New York.”

“Cas would have followed you into the pits of hell, and you would have done the same. I don’t believe he just gave everything up because you didn’t want to go to New York.”

“Well that’s what he said so…” Dean trails off and takes the last few sips of his beer. He flags down the waiter and orders another.

“Dean-”

“Charlie!” Dean cuts her off, “Just stop. He left. He went to New York and left me behind. And that’s fine. That’s better than fine. I have Ben now. And Lisa. And they make me happy.”

“I’m happy you have Ben. But Lisa…”

“Don’t start, Charlie.”

“I’m just saying, you could be happier. Cas would make you happier.”

“Dammit Charlie!” Dean raises his voice.

“Lay off him, Red.” Benny says to Charlie. “And you know she just cares about you brotha, give her a little slack.”

“Yeah, well I wish she cared a little less.”

“And I wish you cared a little more.” She makes her way out of the booth. She quickly pulls out her wallet and slams down a five dollar bill. “That should cover my beer, I’m going home.”

“Charlie.” Benny calls after her but she ignores him and continues out the door. Dean stares down into the empty bottle of his beer.

“You really got a knack for hurting that girl’s feelings.”

“She’ll get over it.”

“She shouldn’t have to. She was just trying to help. She wants the best for you. We all do,” Benny says. “I know seeing Cas got you rattled but ain’t no reason to treat your friends that way. We were here when he wasn’t.”

Dean looks up at Benny and nods. He knows everything Benny is saying is true, and it isn’t the first time he’s heard it either. “I’ll call her in the morning, maybe bring her some coffee.”

“I think she’ll like that.”

+

“So look, when Dean gets here, let’s try not bring up Cas okay?” Sam says as he adds a few more spices into the crockpot.

“What? How come! I wanted to try and set them up! Cas is single and Lisa...is well Lisa. Cas and Dean would be perfect for each other.”

“They were perfect for each other but Cas left my brother with no type of explanation. Plus, Deans has a family with Lisa now. So please, don’t bring up Cas...ever.”

“What am I supposed to do, never talk about Cas again?” Sam nods his head, eyes pleading. “Sam, Cas is my co-worker and quickly becoming one of my closest friends, I’m not going to not talk about him.” Jess folds her arms across her chest.

“Just not around Dean, okay. You weren’t the one who had to pull Dean out of that heartache. Cas broke him and I just want to protect him from that. As much as I can.”

“That doesn’t sound like the Cas I know. My Cas wouldn’t do that.”

“Your Cas is the same Cas that left my brother.”

“From what you’ve told me, it’s been what twenty years or something? Dean’s a big boy, he can take care of himself.”

“Ten years. And not when it comes to Cas. Cas has always been his kryptonite. I’m just trying to protect him”

“I don’t think you’re giving Dean enough credit. He’s strong guy.”

“I know he is. I just don’t want to see him hurt like again. It was bad Jess.” Sam looks at her earnestly.

Jess lays her hand on Sam’s cheek, “Okay Hun. I won’t be the one to bring up Cas.”

“Jess.”

“What? I said I wouldn’t.” Jess says with feigned innocents.

“I know that look, babe.”

“I promise. Scout’s honor.” She holds up her hand, her index and middle finger crossed.

“You were never a scout.”

Jess is saved from replying by the sound of their front door opening and Dean walking in.

“Honey, I’m home!” Dean singsongs.

“We’re in the kitchen!” Jess yells out.

Dean makes his way into their brightly decorated kitchen and set down a pack of beer on the counter.

“Dean, you know you don’t have to bring over beer when you come over. We have plenty.”

“Exactly. Plus your presence is a present.”

“Damn Jess, that was pretty smooth.”

Jess winks, “How do you think I got your brother? He definitely wasn’t the one putting on the moves.”

Dean laughs, “I’m sure you’re right about that.”

“Hey! I have moves.”

“Sure you do babe.” Jess reaches up on her tiptoes and places a kiss on his cheek.

Dean rolls his eyes, “So, what are we eating?”

“Sam’s making his chili and I made the cornbread.”

“I love your cornbread!”

“Hey, what about my chili?”

“That’s cool too.”

“Thanks jerk.”

“You’re welcome, bitch.” Sam turns to check on his chili.

“Dean, come sit outside with me so we can gossip about Sam”

“Woo my favorite pastime!” Dean grabs a few beers before following his sister-in-law out to their backyard.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, watching the birds and clouds pass by and sipping on their beers. It’s comfortable, always is with Jess. The minute Sam brought her home, Dean knew she was his forever. Dean loves her like a sister, by marriage or not.

“How’s Ben? I’m surprised you didn’t bring him with you.”

“His mom wanted to do something with him.”

“AKA, she didn’t want him around ‘our bad influence’.” Jessica mocks.

“Teaching the kid about sex probably wasn’t the best topic to discuss while babysitting him.”

“He asked. What was I supposed to do, lie to him?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going to lie to my nephew, Dean.”

“Well next time run it by Lisa at least. She thinks parents should choose when their kid gets the talk.”

“And what does Dean think?” She ask.

“Dean thinks he dodged a bullet”, he laughs.

“So, what you’re really trying to say is thank you?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“You’re welcome.”

Dean just shakes his head, used to Jess’ forward thinking.

“Can I ask you something?” Jess says after a bit.

“Shoot.” Dean knows what's coming, he surprised it took her this long to bring it up. He’s sure Sam told her about Cas after they all left the restaurant. They surprisingly didn’t mention Cas after he left.

“Are you happy?” Jess ask with such sincerity that he actually takes a moment to think about his answer instead of brushing her off and giving her the standard “yes” answer.  

“I think so. Ben makes me incredibly happy.” And as almost an afterthought adds, “Lisa too.”

“Good.”

After remembering his last conversation with Charlie and that Jess and her have conspired on occasion Dean ask, “Have you been talking to Charlie?”

“No, why?”

He doesn’t know if he believes her, but he also doesn’t want to give anything away if she really hasn’t.

“No reason.”

“Dean, what happened? You know I’ll just call her and find out.”

“Nothing, you just know how she feels about Lisa.”

“Mhmm…”

“Oh not you too.”

“Look I just understand where Charlie is coming from is all. We care about you Dean, and only want the best for you.”

Dean huffs, “Well I’d wish y’all care a little less. I have Ben and I won’t leave him.”

“No one’s telling you to. But if Ben is your only reason for staying with Lisa…” Jess lets the rest of the sentences linger off.

“My future is with them. Ben _and_ Lisa. Cas, he’s my past.”

“But what if he isn’t? What if he’s back in your life for a reason?”

“Yeah? And what reason would that be?”

“Dunno, just saying, what are the odds of the love of your life coming back to California, not only working in my office but becoming my really close friend? The odds are slim.”

“Cas isn’t the love of my life.”

“Ok,” Jess says in complete disbelief, “but is Lisa?”

Dean stays silent. He knows his answer should be yes. They share a life together, she’s the mother of his kid. He wants his answer to be yes.   

But it isn’t.

“Who knows, maybe enough time has passed that you two could be friends now.”

Dean doubts it, not after what he did. “.I don’t think... we could never be friends.”

“Never say never. He’s been a great friend to me since he started working in my building. He might of changed. Time does that to people.”

“Yeah, maybe but...I don’t know Jess. Wouldn’t it be weird?”

“I don’t think so. I can ask him if you want.”

“No, that’ll definitely be weird.”

“No it won’t, I’ll just casually ask him.” Jess says just as Sam comes outside with his own beer.

“Ask who what?” Sam ask the both of them.

Dean answers first, “She wants to ask Cas if him and I could be friends.”

Jess at least has the decency to look sheepish. “Jess!”

“To be fair,” Jess holds out her hands, “I wasn’t the one that brought him up. That was all him.”

Dean looks between both of them confused. “Am I missing something?”

“Yeah, Jess tricking you into thinking you want be friends with Cas.”

“I do wanna be friends with Cas.”

Sam looks incredulous, “You do?”

“See!” Jess exclaims.

“I mean yeah, it’d be good to see him.”

“And you want to be friends with him?”

“I dunno. Maybe?”

“Dean he broke your heart, remember?! Why would you want to do that again?”

“I know, I was there. And how can he break my heart? I’m with Lisa and we have Ben.”

“Exactly! You’re with Lisa, don’t ruin a good thing.”

“What do you think I’m going to do, sleep with him?”

“Hopefully” Jess whispers under her breath.

“No! No, of course not. I just….you have a weakness when it comes to Cas. You always have. I’m just worried about you.”

“Well don’t be. I know how to keep my hands to myself. Plus he probably won't want to see me anyways.”

“He might.” Jess says just as Sam exclaims, “Umm…..did you forget I used to live with you two?! Y’all never kept your hands to yourself!”

“That’s true, Dean says fondly before bursting out in laughter. “You remember that one time you walked in on us?”

“Which time?” Sam says as he crosses his arms.

That does nothing but propels Dean into more laughter and set Jess off.

“You walked in on them more than once?” she incredulously, “Babe, knock on the bedroom door!”

“They were never in their bedroom! They literally fucked in like every room of the house! And all the surfaces!”

“Don't forget the patio!” Dean adds before doubling over from laughter.

“Oh my gosh! You’re disgusting!”

“The patio? Huh...we should try that Sam?”

“Ew. I don’t wanna hear about my brother and sister having sex!”

“Ew! Why’d you have to word it like that?” Jess slaps his arm. “You’re so gross.”

Dean just shrugs. He turns to Jess and rubs his belly, “Feed me, I’m hungry.”

“You are such a child, Dean.”

“Shut up Sam.”

“You shut up.”

“Both of you shut up or no cornbread for either of you.” Jess playfully threatens.

Both brothers promptly close their mouths and follow her into the kitchen.

+

Lunch was great. Dinner was even better. He stayed over longer than he originally planned but with Lisa and Ben out doing their own thing, Dean didn’t see a reason to rush back to an empty house.

They talked some more, played some video games, and Dean helped Sam tackle some of the yard work he’d been putting off. It was nice to hang out with his brother like that. He missed it. He hopes next time he can bring Ben and even Lisa. Jessica and her can be civil for a evening, Dean hopes.

He doesn’t know when exactly they had a falling out or what it was about but it feels like just one day they both decided not to like the other anymore.

Dean patters around the house. Straightening up things here and there. Their house isn’t dirty but you can definitely tell a nine year old lives here. He’s just finishing up loading the washing machine when his phone belts out some obnoxious pop song.  

Charlie’s name lights up the screen.

Dean contemplates on answering it. He still hasn’t talked to her since that night at the bar. He knows he needs to apologize to her but he just isn’t ready. He knows she was just trying to look out for him and that he should be grateful that he has someone that cares about him so much, but sometimes it could get a little overwhelming. He doesn’t deserve all of that attention. But he knows her being the first to call is her reaching out, extending the olive branch, God knows if she waited for Dean to do it, she’d be waiting forever.  

Right before the call goes to voicemail, he slides his finger across his screen to answer.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Charlie answers.

“Sorry I was an ungrateful jackass.”

“I’m sorry about that too.”

Dean laughs, they both do. And just like that, things are back to being okay, well kind of. Charlie isn’t done grilling him about Cas but she lets up when Dean tells her about the conversation he and Jess had.

“So you’re gonna do it? You’re gonna be friends with Cas?” Charlie says in disbelief.

“I dunno about all that. Friendship’s usually a two way street.”

“Not always, I made you be my friend.”

“You didn’t make me do anything, the courts did. I have a few million hours of volunteer work I need to complete.”

“A few million?”

“Yup. ‘Bout a life time’s worth.”

“I see. Well you’re lucky you got assigned me.”

“Very.”

Charlie laughs, “So seriously, what are you gonna do about Cas and you, and friendship?”

“Like a dog with a bone.”

“It was a good attempt at distracting me though.”

“Thanks. Man Charlie, I don’t know.”

“Do you want to be his friend?”

“I don’t deserve to.”

“You don’t? He doesn’t! He’s the one that left you!”

Dean goes silent, because even after all this time, he’s still too ashamed to admit that he cheated on Cas. And Cas leaving him would have eventually happened, except he would have been the one everyone would be blaming.

He knows he’s a coward for never telling anyone the truth, Sam doesn’t even know. He’s often wonder if somehow Cas found out and that’s the true reason why he left. Not because of Dean’s lame excuse of not wanting to follow him to New York, but because he found out about Dean being unfaithful. Of breaking Cas’ trust, of Dean’s cowardice, of his deceit.

Dean can’t be friends with Cas because eventually, all truths find their way to the light. Dean can’t hurt like that again. Can’t watch Cas walk out of his life twice.

“I don’t want to be his friend. I can’t be his friend.” Dean blurts.

“You sure? Not even just to find out why he left?”

“I don’t care why he left. I can’t be his friend, Charlie.” Dean repeats.

“Okay. Got it.”

The front door opens and Dean can hear Lisa and Ben walk in.

“Hey Charlie, I gotta go. I’ll stop by later this week for a game night.”

“Okie dokie. Sneak Ben over if you can!”

“I’ll try my best. Bye.”

“Bye. Oh Dean...”

“Yeah?

You know I’m always here right?”

“I know.”

They hang up and Dean quickly makes his way towards Ben’s room. He wants to talk to him about his day before he falls asleep. His son always makes him feel better, and this whole mess with Cas, it’s got his emotions pretty out of control.

  
  
  
  
  


 

 


	6. Perhaps.Perhaps.Perhaps.

Cas wouldn’t necessarily say that he’d been avoiding Jessica on purpose, just that he’d been taking advantage of the fact that he can work from home.

For like the first time ever, since he met the snarky yet bubbly blonde.

Okay, so maybe he’s avoiding her a little. He just doesn’t want to answer all of the questions he knows she has. He doesn’t want to think about Dean more than he has to.

And recently, that’s been entirely too much.

He can’t seem to get Dean out of his head. Dreams, daydreams, lonely late night fantasies, they’ve all been about him

Running into Dean was always a possibility, seeing as how they no longer lived in separate states. But Cas didn’t think it would happen so soon. Or more so, he didn’t think he would be this affected by it. Dean shouldn’t have this much of an effect on him. Cas had moved on, he had fallen in love with someone else. Granted, that relationship didn’t work out, but he moved on. He allowed his heart to heal, and allowed love in. He was over Dean Winchester.

Or at least he thought he was.

He had really been enjoying his time with Jessica. She was feisty, caring, loyal, and funny. Some top qualities Cas has always looked for in a friend. He never would have thought that she would turn out to be Dean’s sister-in-law. The world is entirely too small.

It was nice to Sam though. Him and Cas were close while he was in a relationship with Dean. He remembers that Dean used to get jealous if they happened to hang out without him.

Sam would sometimes lie to Dean and tell them they had just to see the reaction on Dean’s face.

He always enjoyed their brotherly ribbing.

It was hard leaving him behind too. He had thought about reaching out to him so many times but never went through with it. He was scared of Sam’s reaction. Scared of him never wanting to talk to him again, although Cas couldn’t blame him.

But what he was scared of the most is potentially hearing that Dean had moved on. Cas doesn’t think he would have been able to handle that.

When Dean had asked him to stay. When he reached out and grabbed him, it was like Cas was transported back to the first time they had ever touched, that first spark. And even after all this time it was still, electric.

Cas wishes he could touch him now. Hold him. Apologize for leaving him the way he did. Because one of the worst part of seeing Dean were the thoughts of what could have been.  

Could they have been happy? Married?  Would they have had kids? Jessica would be his sister-in-law.  Cas can’t seem to shake these thoughts. He had seen Dean for less than five minutes and it brought back all of the thoughts and feelings Cas had spent ten years trying to outrun. With one touch, one look, Dean made them all come rushing back.

+

Cas has to go into the office today for a meeting. Jessica will be there. Cas doesn’t know why he’s so nervous about seeing Jess, but he is. Seeing Jess makes him think about Dean. And thinking about Dean makes his heart ache.

He wishes he could get over the other man.

He takes his time getting ready. Going through his routine slowly and methodically. Attempting to put himself in a better head-space before heading to the office.

He knows Jess doesn’t deserve the way he’s been acting. She didn’t do anything, he reminds himself.

It wasn’t long before he arrived at the office and entered the elevator, pressing the button for his floor. As the elevator climbs the floors his heart rate increases. Beyond the metal doors is the only friend he’s made since moving back here and he’s about to lose her because he can’t get over the fact that she's related to his ex.

An ex of ten years.

An ex who could have reached out to him but didn’t.

An ex who never seemed to put him first.

An ex, who was too scared to stand up to his father.

An ex…..an ex, that’s all he is. Castiel just needs to remember that.

Dean has not more hold over him and he definitely doesn’t have a hold over his friendship with Jessica. Cas will not allow his past to ruin his future.

By the time the elevator reaches his floor, Cas has made his way through a few different emotions. But once the doors open, and his eyes instantly find Jess, he’s nervous all over again. Not because of who Jess is related to. No he’s nervous that she’s upset with him for the way he’s treated her over the past few days. He hopes that she can forgive him.

He makes his way straight towards her, quickly trying to form an apology in his head. He reaches her faster than intended but it doesn’t matter because as soon as he’s in grabbing distances, she reaches out and pulls him into a huge bear hug.

“Are you done being mad at me?” She asks as they sway back and forth.

“I wasn’t mad at you.” She pulls back and gives him a pointed look, “okay, I was stupidly upset but not at you...mostly. It was misplaced anger. I was upset at seeing-”

“Dean?” she supplies.

“Maybe. Yes. Maybe. But I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” Jess pulls Cas back into an even tighter hug. “Promise me we won’t go this long without talking ever again. You’re too important to me.”

_Too Important._ Cas can’t remember the last time someone outside of Gabriel said that to him. He tightens his embrace around Jess, “Thank you Jess. You’re very important to me as well.”

“Alright you big softy,” she teases as they release each other, “let’s go get ready for the meeting and then you can take me out later tonight to make up for ignoring me.”

Cas knows she’s teasing but he also knows there's a bit of truth in her statement as well.

“I’ll pick you up at six.”

“How about I meet you at your place. Sam and his brother are having ‘brotherly bonding time’ or whatever.”

Cas notices how she doesn’t use Dean’s name. Well she never did but Cas is acutely aware of it now. He wants to say that she doesn’t have to avoid saying Dean’s name around him but Cas thinks he might be overthinking and projecting.

“Sounds good. We’ll have ‘Jessica and Cas bonding time”.

“Jessi-cas? Cas-sica?”

“Please stop.” Cas says before he turns and walks away.

Jess quickly follows, continuing to mash their names together.

+

Cas comes home earlier than expected, the meeting didn’t take as long as expected. With a few hours to kill before Jess arrives, Cas grabs his laptop and begins working on his current writing project.

It’s been slow going but progress is progress, no matter how small. He gets about an hour into it when he hears his front door unlock.

“Honey I’m Home!” Cas hears Gabe yell.

Cas wonders if he stays completely still and not makes a sound will Gabe eventually give up and go away. His brother has been gone for a little over two weeks on a business trip and not that Cas doesn’t miss him, but he’s actually on a roll with his writing right now. And Gabe is very much one of the biggest distractions Cas has ever experienced.

“Cas?” Gabe calls out.

He can hear his brother making his way through the apartment looking for him. He’s getting closer.

“Hey asshole! Stop ignoring me.”

Cas still doesn't move even though Gabe is standing directly in front of him.

“You’re a dick. I’ve been gone for forever and you don’t even care.”

Cas can see the potential guilt trip coming and decides to stop it before it even starts. He supposes he can try and get some writing done tomorrow.

“Hello Gabriel. How was you trip?”

“He speaks!” Gabe exclaims, “It was good. Handled my business and all that.”

“That’s good.”

“Yup. And now I’m going to allow you to take me out to dinner tonight in order to celebrate my return.”

“Can’t. Already have plans.”

“Plans? With who? I’m basically your only friend in this town.”

“You are not! I have people I know at work.”

“Those are work friends Castiel. Not the same thing.”

“Jessica is a work friend and I’m going out with her tonight.”

“A lady friend? A guy leaves for a few weeks and you change what team you bat for?”

Cas rolls his eyes, “Jessica is happily married and I am happily still into dick.” Cas doesn't mention that she’s married to Sam Winchester. Gabe kind of had a thing for him when he and Dean were together.

“Oh thank goodness,” Gabe clutches his chest. “I don’t think you pass for ‘straight’ anyways.”

“And what the hell passes for straight anyways?” Cas challenges.

“Hell if I know. I couldn’t give a fuck who I attracted as long as the lovin’ is good.”

“Oh please stop.”

“So where we going?”

“We? You are going home. I am going…well she hasn’t told me yet but You’re not invited.”

“What?! You’re going to leave me all alone even though I’ve just gotten home from being away for weeks! Where’s the love bro?!”

“Not here.”

“Pleasssse. Please, I’ll be good.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please!” Gabe shines his puppy eyes at Cas.

“Ugh fine! Let me warn her that I’ll you’ll be joining us.”

Cas sends a quick text to Jess informing her of their new dinner guest. She text back that she can’t wait to meet him and that she’s almost to his house.

“She’s almost here.”

+

It isn’t too long before there’s a knock at Cas’ door.

“I got it.” Gabe springs up and makes his way for the door. “Well hello there, mademoiselle.”

Cas walks over just in time to see Gabe bending at the waste in greeting. He rolls his eyes at his brother’s antics.

“Ignore him, Jess. Come in.”

To Cas’ surprise and slight horror, Jessica curtsy in response.

They haven’t even known each other for a full minute and Cas can already tell they’re going to be the best of friends. Which spells trouble for Castiel.

“Hey Cas,” Jess says as she makes her way into his loft. “So do you boys mind stopping by the store after dinner? I have to grab some last minute gifts for the family.”

“Yeah, I can grab Cas a last minute gift too. Say, what store do they sell a sense of humor at?”

“Same place where you buy your clothes, the children's section.”

Laughter bubbles out of Jess.

“You two remind me of Sam and Dean.” Her eyes shoot to Cas as soon as she says his name. ‘Sorry’ she mouths.

“Why do those two names sound familiar?” Gabe ponders out loud. Cas raises an eyebrow in response. He has to wait a few moments before the light bulb in Gabe’s head goes off.

“Sam and Dean...Winchester?”

“Yup.” Cas says as Jess nods her head.

“You’re best friends with Dean’s wife?” He ask incredulously.

“I’m married to Sam.” Jess corrects.

“You married that gorgeous sonuvabitch? You lucky girl, you.”

Cas forgot that Gabe used to have a not-so-secret crush on Sam. Nothing ever came of it but Gabe loved to pine after the younger Winchester.

“Thank you. I got the good looking one.” Jess preens.

“You sure as shit did,” Gabe agrees. “I never understood why this one,” he points over his shoulder to Cas, “went after the other one.”

“Because he was hot!”

“Yeah, yeah. Sam’s better. How’s he look now anyways?” Jess pulls out her phone and shows Gabe the screensaver on her phone. It’s a picture of Sam on some beach. “Holy shit did you win the jackpot. Good job!” Gabe holds up his hand for a high five.

Cas is definitely regretting letting them meet. “If you’re done ogling her husband, I am famished.”

“Psh, posh, applesauce little bro. Jess and me are bonding.”

“Over her husband?”

“Yeah. Don’t be so uptight. I’m just looking. Jess knows that, right?”

“Yup!” Jess answers happily.

“Whatever. I’ll be in the car.” Cas exist his loft. Jess and Gabe following closely behind.

+

“So, uh...how’d you two end up being friends anyways?” Gabe ask just as their waiter leaves with their food order. Cas eyes Gabriel. He knows he’s told Gabe how he and Jessica became friends. Cas wonders what he’s playing at.

“We met at work.” Jess happily supplies.

“That’s cool. So Cas...”

Cas braces himself for whatever nonsense is undoubtedly about to come out of his brother’s mouth.

“Did you just accidentally become best friends with your ex-lover’s sister-in-law...or do you like just like to torture yourself?”

And there it is. Cas glares at his brother.

“I assure you, I had no clue of her familial ties to Dean.”

Jessica’s eyes bounce back and forth between Cas and his brother before finally addressing Gabe.

“I take it you’re not a fan of Dean?”

“Would you be a fan of the man who obliterated your brother’s heart?

“He did not ‘obliterate’ my heart.” Cas interrupts.

“Sure he didn’t. You just ran half way across the country because you wanted a street pretzel that bad.”

“I got the internship of a lifetime, that’s why I left. Dean wanted to stay here, and I wanted to chase my dreams. It’s that simple.”

“Sure it was. And Dean not-”

“Gabriel.” Cas cuts him off, leveling his brother with an icy glare.

Gabe holds his hands up in surrender, “Fine. I just don’t want you getting hurt again.”

“I assure you, Dean Winchester has no hold over my heart.”

Gabe huffs in disbelief but thankfully drops the topic of Dean. Too bad Jessica doesn’t do the same.  

“Is Dean being my brother-in-law going to be a problem?” She ask earnestly.

“No. Not at all. Gabe’s just being an ass.”

“I am not. I’m just trying to protect you. I don’t like seeing you hurt.”

“Thank you Gabriel, but I assure you I do not need any protecting. I can take care of myself.”

“Okay,” Jess cuts in “Just promise to let me know if it becomes too much.”

“I promise it won’t. That was ten years ago. I’m good.”

“That’s good. And hey maybe you two could even be friends? HIs friend Charlie hosts a game night, maybe you could go with me one day. I know seeing Dean the other day was a bit of a shock but-” Jessica babbles on hopeful.

“Charlie? Bradbury?” Cas interrupts. Could Dean still be friends with her?

“Yeah!” Jess is clearly surprised that Cas knew Charlie’s last name. “You know her?”

“Yeah. We all went to school together.”

“So you know Benny?”

“Yes. They were Dean’s best friends.”

“Still are! The three stooges, I like to call them. You really should come out! I’m sure they’d love to see you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, maybe.”

“Umm...hello! You’re new best friend sitting right next to you.” Gabe leans in closer towards Jess, demanding all of her attention. “Were you not going to invite me? I know that feisty little redhead too!”

“Of course I was going to invite you bestie! I just wanted to give you your own special invite. Delivered via horse-drawn carriage and everything! But since you were so impatient I have to ask you the same way I asked your brother.”

Gabe feigns disgust, “Like the common folk. This will not do!”

“Hey!” Cas protest.

“I demand a do-over!” Gabe slams the table.

To Cas’ horror, Jess gets out of her chair and drops to her knees. “Gabriel,” She says loudly, “Would you do me the honor of accompanying me to game night whenever the next one is.”

Gabe drops down to meet Jess, “Yes! Oh a thousand times yes!” He pulls her into a tight embrace and applause erupts from the tables nearest to them.

Castiel wholeheartedly regrets introducing them. 

+

Jess drops both him and Gabe off before heading home. Gabe follows Cas to his apartment.

“So game night? You really going to go?”

“I don’t know. It would be nice to see Charlie and Benny again, but that means seeing Dean”

“I don’t know, it could be fun. Like you said, it’s been ten years. Maybe it’ll help you finally get over him. Maybe he’s hideous.”

“I saw him the other night when Jess and I went out for drinks. He’s still beautiful Gabe.”

“Oh no. I know that look.”

“What look?”

“The ‘Dean hung the moon’ look. Knock it off. You came out here to get away from heartbreak. Not run right into it.”

“As you reminded me of what I said earlier, ‘it’s been ten years’.”

Gabe shakes his head and sighs. “You’re playing with fire, little bro.” Gabriel leaves Cas’ place with a quick goodnight and a promise of breakfast tomorrow.

+

Cas lays in bed, thoughts of Charlie, Benny, and of course Dean taking up space in his head. Maybe Jessica is right, maybe they could be friends.

  


Maybe they could be more.   


End file.
